JOTD

How did that route get that name? Jokes. Funny bits. Crag humour.
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OneDogClimbing
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Blues

Post by OneDogClimbing » Thu Dec 06, 2007 8:07 am

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
\"I don't want to know,\" the child said, bursting into tears. \"Promise me you won't tell me.\"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, \"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.\"
Live fast, die young & leave a good looking corpse

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OneDogClimbing
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Happy Friday

Post by OneDogClimbing » Fri Dec 07, 2007 7:18 am

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

\"Say, what's your name?\" the bartender asked the first duck.

\"Huey,\" was the reply.

\"How's your day been, Huey?\"

\"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?\" said Huey.

\"Oh. That's nice,\" said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
\"Hi, and what's your name?\"

\"Dewey,\" came the answer from duck number two.

\"So how's your day been, Dewey?\" he asked.

\"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?\"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, \"So, you must be
Louie?\"

\"No,\" she said, batting her eyelashes.

\"My name is Puddles.\"
Live fast, die young & leave a good looking corpse

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Dec 14, 2007 8:28 am

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
>
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, \"Every time I clap
my hands, a child in Africa dies.\"
>
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet .
\" Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!\"

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emile
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Signs

Post by emile » Fri Dec 21, 2007 7:28 am

Signs:
  • Gynecologist's Office: \"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.\"
    In a Podiatrist's office: \"Time wounds all heels.\"
    On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
    At a Proctologist's door: \"To expedite your visit please back in.\"
    On a Plumber's truck: \"We repair what your husband fixed.\"
    On another Plumber's truck: \"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.\"
    On a Church's Billboard: \"7 days without God makes one weak.\"
    At a Towing company: \"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.\"
    On an Electrician's truck: \"Let us remove your shorts.\"In a Nonsmoking Area: \"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.\"
    On a Maternity Room door: \"Push. Push Push.\"
    At an Optometrist's Office: \"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.\"
    At a Car Dealership: \"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.\"
    Outside a Muffler Shop: \"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.\"
    In a Veterinarian's waiting room: \"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!\"
    At the Electric Company \"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.\"
    In the front yard of a Funeral Home: \"Drive carefully. We'll wait.\"
    At a Propane Filling Station: \"Thank heaven for little grills.\"
    Chicago Radiator Shop: \"Best place in town to take a leak.\"
    On a Gravestone for a Dentist \" He fills his last cavity \"

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:26 am

girl bought her boyfriend a present for his birthday. He opened it and

said. \"What the hell would I want with a rocket?\"

She said \"You wanted space...now F*** off!\"

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:29 am

Am I the only schmuck stuck at the office and not out climbing or something?

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Justin
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Contact:

Post by Justin » Fri Dec 21, 2007 11:45 am

Bump! No you're not :)
Love the 'Bono evil basturd' joke
Climb ZA - Administrator
justin@climbing.co.za

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oOdball
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Re:

Post by oOdball » Fri Dec 21, 2007 12:01 pm

emile wrote:Am I the only schmuck stuck at the office and not out climbing or something?
Yes. Now go to the crag so I can get some work done without getting distracted by this damm forum.
You have an opinion, so do I. When these differ, please don't confuse your opinion with the truth, nothing is absolute.

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:12 pm

Signs you're not one of the better climbers in town:

* You climbed 5.8 your first day climbing, and 8 years later a 5.4 lead still scares the bejeezus out of you.
* You're mad that 5.2 doesn't have the a/b/c/d modifiers for better delineating the subtleties of this tricky grade.
* You know every pitch and every move of the Nose, but the most you've ever done is scramble halfway up the 3rd class approach, got scared, and climbed back down.
* The exposure in your local gym terrifies you.
* The only thought you have before a big climb is \"How am I gonna get Joe to lead all the pitches?\"
* You fall off the front steps of the gym
* You freeze at the crux and the little kids yell at you to \"Stop hogging the sliding board\"
* People ask if you're a park ranger.
* The best finger jam you've had was when you slammed your hand in the car door.
* You've had to be rescued off a top-rope.
* Your partner regularly hauls you up on a Z-pully.
* Favorite call to your belayer: \"Tension!\"
* You decide a route is rated 5.2 A0.
* Can't cross the talus field without a belay.
* Your team uses you to \"test\" for avalanche stability.
* You've chopped the rope with your axe while ice climbing.
* If you find yourself repeatedly yelling \"FALLING!!\"...........on the approach.
* You clip the lead quickdraws at the gym while on toprope and get stuck.
* Your leg is still recovering from being impaled with your ice axe while practicing \"self arrest\" on the bunny slope
* You think \"Hypothermia\" and \"Frostbite\" are the up and coming rock groups

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:14 pm

What's the difference between a Climber and a Golfer? Golfer goes: Whack, Shit! Climber goes : Shit, WHACK!

\"Researches found that licking the sweat from a frog cures depression, only problem is as soon as you stop licking the frog gets depressed again\" Jay Leno

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emile
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Clever police replies

Post by emile » Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:54 am

#16 \"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.\"

#15 \"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.\"

#14 \"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.\"

#13 \"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.\"

#12 \"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.\"

#11 \"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?\"

#10 \"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?\"

#9 \"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.\"

#8 \"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?\"

#7 \"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.\"

#6 \"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.\"

#5 \"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.\"

#4 \"How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?\"

#3 \"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.\"

#2 \"I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.\"

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 \"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.\"

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emile
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Jay Leno

Post by emile » Fri Feb 01, 2008 9:01 am

Jay Leno quotes:

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

brolloks
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Post by brolloks » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:29 pm

Whats the difference between a 8m fall off a highball boulder, and a 3m fall off a normal size boulder?

In the one you go:' Aaaarrrggh!, doef!!!!'

And in the other you go:' doef!!! Aaaarrrggh!'
you have one mouth, two ears. listen more...

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:17 am

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the supermarket with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The supermarket Greeter said pleasantly \"Good morning, and welcome to our supermarket. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?\"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, \"Hell no they ain't.\"

\"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?\"

\"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,\" replied the greeter. \"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.\"

\"Have a good day and thank you for shopping here.


( PS: Perhaps she's married to 8a? )

Snowflake
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Post by Snowflake » Fri Feb 08, 2008 8:32 am

Ha Ha LOL , Love your work

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Feb 15, 2008 9:01 am

  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
    There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
    When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
    Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:12 am

The proper way to pronounce \"Oklahoma\" is

Okla ..... homa

(There's a pause between the A and the H)

See below...

Image

or perhaps the important question is: Does she boulder?

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:16 am

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, \"Sorry we don't serve food in here.\"

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does this taste funny to you?\"

\"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'\" \"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.\" \"Is it common?\" \"It's not unusual.\"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Pony
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Post by Pony » Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:15 pm

hey dog...what's the grade of that Ohkla_homa off-width?

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emile
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Post by emile » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:20 pm

Pony - I dunno, but I'd like to do some laps........

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emile
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Post by emile » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:21 pm

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American standing next to him.

The guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and Say: \"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch p*nis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.\"

The small man faints dead on the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says: \"What's wrong with you?\"

In a weak voice the little guy says, \"What exactly did you say to me?\"

The big dude says, \"I saw the curious look an figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone asks me. 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 Inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.\"

\"Turner Brown?\" Thank heavens! I thought you said \"TURN AROUND\".

Todd Ryan
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Post by Todd Ryan » Tue Feb 26, 2008 12:03 pm

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

GAUTENG:
When you rearrange the letters:
GET A GUN


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Pony
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Post by Pony » Wed Feb 27, 2008 10:06 am

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

\"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?\"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said \"I've come for some courage.\"

\"No Problem!\" said the Wizard. \"Who's next?\"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, \"Well, I think I need a heart.\"

\"Done!\" says the Wizard.
\"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?\"


Up stepped George Bush and said,
\"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.\"
\"No problem!\" said the Wizard.
\"Consider it done.\"

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"Well, what do you want?\"



\"IS DOROTHY HERE?\"

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emile
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Post by emile » Thu Mar 06, 2008 11:09 am

A day early, but better than the helmet debate:


Steve, Nedine & Jurie is walking over a bridge, when Nedine slips, falls awkwardly and gets her head stuck in the railings. Steve looks left, looks right seeing no other people around lifts her skirt and proceeds to shag her senseless. Afterwards, he looks to Jurie and says \"Your turn\". Jurie starts to cry. Puzzled, Steve asks what's wrong. Jurie says: \"My head won't fit between the railings\"

SouthAfricanMan
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Location: /\/¯¯¯¯¯\/\

Post by SouthAfricanMan » Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:59 pm

The Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.

\"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.\"

Sure,\" they said, \"You're welcome.\"

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, \"What do you do for a living?\"

\"I'm a hit man,\" was the reply.

\"You're joking!\" was the response.

\"No, I'm not,\" he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. \"Here are my tools.\"

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,\" said the other friend, \"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.\" So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

\"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!\" He turned to the hitman, \"How much do you charge for a hit?\"

\"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.\"

\"Can you do two for me now?\"

\"Sure, what do you want?\"

\"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.\"

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes

\"Are you going to do it or not?\" said the friend impatiently. \"Just wait a moment, be patient,\" said the hitman calmly,

\"I think I can save you a grand here...\"

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emile
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Post by emile » Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:35 am

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.
He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?’ ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

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emile
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Great pickup line

Post by emile » Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:21 pm

A bit early for the Friday slot, I know, but I'll be vegetating in a presentation most of the day tomorrow, so won't be able to post these then.

Incidentally, a good laugh about surviving presentations:
Survival tips for PowerPoint (and the games people play)

******

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, \"Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.\"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, \"'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?\"

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emile
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Spagetti

Post by emile » Fri Mar 14, 2008 7:24 am

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just
give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Pony
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Post by Pony » Tue Mar 18, 2008 12:44 pm

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

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emile
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Post by emile » Tue Mar 18, 2008 12:55 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good one Pony....


3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for
the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask
over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

'Hey Batman! What's for dinner?'

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