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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu May 20, 2010 10:32 am 
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Real Name: Justin Lawson
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu May 20, 2010 1:46 pm 
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Location: Grahamstown
Real Name: Nicolaas Dekker
:lol: :lol: :lol: :? :| :cry: :x :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 10:59 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 12:03 pm 
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Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Willem Boshoff
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 1:59 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

brilliiiaaaannnntttt!!!!!

The whole world should see this!!!

Nice one mok :thumleft:

ps:

SO, an English teacher went to give english classes at a school in a town somewhere in the Freestate.
The town has about a 300% afrikaans speaking community, and on the first day, Monday, she stood up and greeted the grade 9 class with a cheerful: 'Good morning, class'.
A silent moment passed akwardly, and as nobody resonded, she resumed with the class for the whole period.

Next day, she tried her greeting again: 'Good MORNING, class', one boy stood up slowly, and responded with a heavy: 'um, good mornieng, mêm'.
She continued with the class.

Next day, thinking the kids will probably catch on sometime, she tried again: 'GOOD MORNING, class!'.
The same young man stood up promptly, and said: 'Good mornieng, mêm', and she soldierd on...

This went on until Friday, and the boy was up on his feet, confidently, almost before she greeted the class, with a cheerful: 'good mornieng, mêm'.

So she decided to ask him after the class: 'So, why don't the other kids greet me like you do in the morning?'
A eternal minute passed as Jannie composed his english answer. He said:' becos, I are de only one called Klaas, mêm'

:thumright


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 2:13 pm 
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Location: Grahamstown
Real Name: Nicolaas Dekker
Image

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 3:35 pm 
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Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Willem Boshoff
hahaha - this is just getting better! we luuuuv the americans :thumright
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 5:30 pm 
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Location: somerset-west
Real Name: phlip olivier
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 11:13 am 
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Location: Cape Town
Those world maps from americans are all inaccurate. There is no way that americans could find the US on a map.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 12:52 pm 
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Location: Grahamstown
Real Name: Nicolaas Dekker
LOL

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2010 4:20 pm 
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Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Willem Boshoff
this was posted on iol today - i LMAO :lol:

By Neal Collins

The English tabloids continued their unrelenting attack on the World Cup on Monday - with a hissy fit.

The Sun, Britain's best-selling newspaper, went with: "England's South African World Cup base is surrounded by some of the world's deadliest snakes. Killer pythons, spitting cobras, puff adders and black mambas hunt around Bafokeng Sports Campus in Rustenburg."

In another lurid tale calculated to prevent any last-minute fans flying over, it ran the story under the headline: "They think it's all cobra, it hiss now," a corruption of the famous Kenneth Wolstenholme commentary line when England won the 1966 World Cup: "They think it's all over, it is now."

The Sun claims the medical unit at England's base has been stocked with vials of antivenom in case players are bitten. It said pitches would be checked before training sessions and quoted a Dr Keba Mokgethi as saying: "We will tell the team they may encounter snakes."

England arrive at their luxury base near Rustenburg on June 3 and open their campaign against the US in the Bafokeng Royal Sports Palace stadium on June 11. Apparently the base's electric fence stops pythons, but not smaller poisonous species.

The paper said the black mamba had enough venom in a bite to kill two soccer squads.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2010 7:55 pm 
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Location: Stellenbosch
Real Name: Brenda Marx
Is that World cup pic for real???!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 25, 2010 9:20 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 25, 2010 1:00 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest d!ck."

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:43 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
why geeks are better at sex:

1. we're more curious than the rest of the population.
2. We're hackers by trade, so we are open to trying new things.
3. We produce things for ordinary users, so we're more attuned to producing an orgasm in our partner then the rest of the population.
4. We use technology to help get you in the mood even before you arrive.
5. We're more likely to mute our telephone, and turn down the volume on the computer so incoming IM's don't make a sound. We're also used to not answering the telephone, instead preferring asynchronous means of communications.
6. We watch a lot of porn, so we know a lot of positions. This means we're open to trying them all.
7. Geeks multitask. So we pleasure multiple erogenous zones in our partners... kissing, f***ing, tweaking and rubbing all at the same time.
8. We are more available. We can fix your vibrator when we're not. Other people are not gonna steal us. We're smart, and increasingly, we're rich.
9. We're sensitive to your needs. We learn this by spending way too much time with google analytics, nagios, server load times and iO rates.
10. Finally, we're geeks. Girls prefer jocks. So we will go out of our way to be special to you.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 8:46 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
OLIVER'S TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of FNB payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone R20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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 Post subject: Re:
PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:08 am 
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Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Klimkop - Ricko
OneDogClimbing wrote:
Have a nice weekend!!

Edward Longshanks arrives with 4000 troops in SA to f#$k up the Boere. After arriving at the battlefield, he sees a figure in the distance on a hill with blond hair, short pants and a comb stuck into his sock.

\"Rooinek!\" shouts the Boer. \"Kom hier jou Engelse moer! I will gives you helluva gatskop!!\"

Edward turns to his CO and says: \"Take 20 men and deal with that Boer upstart!\" The CO does that, and 20min later the Boer is back on the hill \"You! English donner! Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will f.. them almal op!\"

Edward is irritated by this and tells his CO: \"Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!\" The CO complies. A short while later, sure as shit, the Boer is back on the hill \"Hey, you ...t! Jou ma se ....! I is just warming up! Come moer me dik!\"

At this point Edwards loses it and sends in 400 troops to kill the Boer. 10 min later the Boer is back up on the hill. His clothes are torn and his hair stands wildly. It's blood, snot and Castle. \"Is dat de best ye can do? You bloody vrot pommies! Come on, come and have a go julle souties! Kom klap me stukkend!\"

Red in the face Edward commands his CO \"Take the rest of the men and don't come back untill you have killed him!\". 5 minutes later a single bloodied and frantically yelling troop storms back shouting \"You majesty!, It's a trap! There's two of them!\"



I laughed myself in my moer!! Shot bra, moer funny :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:40 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. “Hey!” shouts the manager. “Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:47 pm 
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Posts: 526
Location: Waterval Boven
Quote:
Sorry Warren, not meant at you, I just copied & pasted (except I changed the town name so as not to offend anybody and get my joke removed again!!! 8) )


Waterval Boven girl goes to Home Affairs to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor?
"Ten" replies the Waterval Boven girl,
"Ten?" says the Home Affairs worker.
"What are their names?"
"Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren and
Warren"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Waterval Boven girl. "Its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout Warren, your suppers ready or Warren go
to bed now and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Home
Affairs worker.
"That's easy," says the Waterval Boven girl...





"I just use their surnames"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:14 am 
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Posts: 1141
Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Willem Boshoff
Two Chatsworth cousins, Ravi and Pravesh, are walking down
the street one day. They happen to come upon a crematorium.
Ravi promptly asks Pravesh, "Hey cousie, whad's this
crematorium ting?"
Pravesh: "Hey no man, how must I know?"
Ravi: "Well run in dere and check it out!"

Pravesh runs in, a couple minutes later he exits the crematorium
severely
beaten, covered in his own blood. Ravi (quite shocked),
asks: "And now Pravesh, what happened to you man?"
Pravesh: "No man, I go inside, right!"
Ravi: "Right?"

Pravesh: "I see all dese sad people
standing around, right?"
Ravi: "Right?"

Pravesh: "So I ask them, hey
what's cooking?"


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 Post subject: scam warning
PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 8:08 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Checkers, Pick and Pay, Spar, or even Liquor Town. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windowlene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for R2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for R1.99 at the R5 store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Checkers, to P&P, to Liquor Town, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:10 pm 
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The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and
was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For
three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally
treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your
stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional
game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded
- you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the
trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior
people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their
guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

........... [click] [click]

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and
thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due
to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with
all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a
private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is
time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He led the Russian
into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked
women.

The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful
members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob
- take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see
the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but
where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal"


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 11:34 am 
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Posts: 526
Location: Waterval Boven
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send
us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 2:40 pm 
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Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Klimkop - Ricko
Nice one Gustav :mrgreen: :P :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:29 pm 
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Real Name: OneDog
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Aug 17, 2010 3:59 pm 
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Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:

"Wake Up! Quick! My husband is back."

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes:
"Damn, I am the husband"

Who is guilty in this situation?


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:03 am 
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Posts: 28
Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Uwe Pitsch
The window.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 11:43 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish."


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 11:20 am 
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
'Frankie Brown showed me his
willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mum asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... Salty.'


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 26, 2010 8:52 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:31 am
Posts: 2875
Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Spring is around the corner


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