I couldn't resist........

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination
man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail
into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where
the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to
be bred?'
That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess
it's to hang your trousers on.'

_________________
Gustav
Roc 'n Rope Adventures
Waterval Boven
013 257 0363
rocrope dot com

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown
together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... ..doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , .....nomattah...all same!

Funny facebook status! (full pic, sorry, didnt show full facebook status reply earlier:)

an old joke revised.......


Hi,
Our pres. has told the people of the country that if they carry ANC cards or vote ANC they would have a place in heaven. Here is one of the comments in a local webmail to the statement. Thought you would appreciate it.

wesley.raleigh - February 08, 2011 at 06:24
Report comment
Jacob Zuma dies, and goes up to the pearly gates. St. Peter asks Zuma, "Do you feel like you deserve a place in Heaven?" Zuma replies, eish um shore. so St. Peter offers a chance to spend a week in Heaven, then a week in hell, and after the two weeks he can choose. so, first week in heaven, everything is bliss, calm peaceful and, well... nice. so off to Hell for a week. some of his comrades are there, Julius leading the pack. They play golf, drink, party all night, the most beautiful woman as far as they eye can see (With sushi on their naked bodies). the week flies by! St. Peter asks Zuma what his choice will be? Remember that this will be your final choice.
Zuma saya, eish, Heaven is great but I think hell will be more fun. and in a flash he appears in hell. he arrives to a desolate barren waste land of pity, torture, hate and well, hell. so he goes to JM, and askes, what happened to all the great stuff that was here???
Ah, last week we were campaigning, this week you voted.

Hilarious

NOOO NOT 8a!!

A travelling salesman visits a small town and sees a circus banner reading:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman."

Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the Scot: "Ma eyes are nae whit they used to be."

The Wife was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

I went bass fishing this morning at Groendal Dam,
but after a while I ran out of bait.
Then I saw a puffadder with a dead lizard in its mouth.
Lizards are good bait for bass.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the lizard in its mouth,
I grabbed it right behind the head, took the lizard,
and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Klipdrift and poured a little brandy into its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I then released him without
incident and carried on fishing, using the lizard as bait.

A little while later, I felt a nudge against my foot.
I looked down and there was that same snake
with two more lizards in its mouth.

haha, nice one Emile!


Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' giving' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'him till I run him off or kill 'him, but I'M KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Shit, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
‘That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends or you will be unhappy for one day and 45 seconds. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is sadly controlling your life. Get help immediately.

_________________
Gustav
Roc 'n Rope Adventures
Waterval Boven
013 257 0363
rocrope dot com

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Douglas.


"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.


That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the
King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush...............

For quite a while...........................

Finally, the crab spoke.......

F**k, I'm pissed."

A highly technical drawing

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

Hmmm, now if you could create the font out of individual photos, I'd be well impressed.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... During World War II, a
beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff!

A new Army Captain was assigned to a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

During his first inspection he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has a wild time with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

_________________
Gustav
Roc 'n Rope Adventures
Waterval Boven
013 257 0363
rocrope dot com

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7.

He replied:

"I still love Vista, baby"

Best Tourism Ad Ever !?

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I come from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients, and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave..........

Dave ...............

Dave.........

Dave........

..........you're a f*cking vet!!!

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Senior Texting Codes (STC)

I thought the following listing was appropriate... after all, the kids have all their little codes...like BFF ( best friends forever ),
WTF ( what the f…), LOL ( laugh out loud) , OMG ( Oh my Gosh) etc.
So here are some codes for seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
IYHO - Is Your Hearing Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where're the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

A public school teacher was arrested today at O R Tambo International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Hawks with carrying weapons of Math Instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They claim to derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes need to go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to them as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they all have a common denominator, they use an orthogonal axis system with similar coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle '.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Zuma would not comment but Julius Malema said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'

I hereby accept that I will only have male belayers for a long-long time:




In light of Women's day:

'Ironman' is a superhero.
'Iron woman' is an instruction....