JOTD

How did that route get that name? Jokes. Funny bits. Crag humour.
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polkadot
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Post by polkadot » Tue May 20, 2008 10:15 am

> You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
>
> On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
> traveling at the same speed as you.
>
> In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
> and you cannot overtake it.
> Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
> Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
> speed as you.
>
> What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
>
> Read Below after you think you know the answer…
>
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> Answer:
>
> Get off the children's \"Merry-Go-Round\", you're pissed.

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polkadot
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Post by polkadot » Tue May 20, 2008 10:55 pm

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH


A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

\"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
The lady can't take this any more,
\"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,\" she retorted indignantly. \"In
this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

\"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man.
\"Who talkin'abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to
spell
' Mississippi '.\"


R20.00 says you're gonna read this again!

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emile
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Post by emile » Wed May 21, 2008 9:59 am

An old mafia don is lying on his death bed, calls for his grandson in order to part with some final words of wisdom and an heirloom. \"Son I want you to have this pistol, it has served me well over the years\". The grandson, who did not pursue life in the family, politely declines and asks for his watch instead, as it would mean more to him and be useful. \"Son, what are you gonna do when you come home to find you wife in bed with your best friend? What are gonna do? Point to your watch and say 'Time's up' ?!\"

Marshall
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Post by Marshall » Wed May 21, 2008 12:24 pm

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background

checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two

men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a

large metal door and handed him a gun.



\"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter

what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife

sitting in a chair. Kill Her!



The man said, \"You can't be serious, I could never shoot my

wife.\" The agent said, \"Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.\"



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun

and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came

out with tears in his eyes, \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\"



The agent said, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife

and go home.\"



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same

instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the

room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,

crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from

her brow.



\"This gun is loaded with blanks\" she said. \"I had to beat him

To death with the chair.\"



MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri May 23, 2008 9:42 am

I came across this exercise suggested for the over 30's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute, then relax.

2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then a 25kg potato bag and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level).

3. When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the bags.

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emile
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Post by emile » Tue May 27, 2008 10:54 am

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little old man was bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers asked the old man, \"What the hell is going on?\"

The old guy said, \"She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we attendants are trying to catch her.\"

The golfer said, \"What about the guy with the buckets of sand?\"
The old guy said, \"That's his handicap. He caught her last time.\"

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emile
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Post by emile » Thu May 29, 2008 7:46 am

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much!

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much!
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much!

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

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MargheritaIntrona
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Post by MargheritaIntrona » Thu May 29, 2008 10:55 am

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a \"good little hunter\" I am. Bastards!


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of \"allergies.\" I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

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emile
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Post by emile » Fri May 30, 2008 8:53 am

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, \"I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,\" and turns to the ostrich, \"What’s yours?\"

\"I’ll have the same,\" says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. \"That will be $6.40 please,\" and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, \"I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,\" and the ostrich says, \"I’ll have the same.\"

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

\"The usual?\" asks the waitress. \"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,\" says the man, \"same for me,\" says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, \"That will be $12.62.\"Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

\"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?\"

\"Well,\" says the man, \"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.\"

\"That’s brilliant!\"says the waitress. \"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!\"

\"That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,\" says the man.

The waitress asks, \"One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?\"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, \"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.\"

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Nic Le Maitre
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Location: Stellenbosch

Post by Nic Le Maitre » Tue Jun 03, 2008 10:44 am

South African Ghost Story

South African Ghost Story


This true story happened in Soweto about a month ago.
A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car stopped next to him
Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.


The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.
Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights
He could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had.


Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying. About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other:


'Mfowetu, isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?'

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emile
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Post by emile » Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:28 am

A guy gets pulled over. He already is kinda ticked. The cop gets out and looks at the driver, studies him, and says,
\"Your eyes look bloodshot, Have you been drinking?\"
The guy replies, \"Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?\"

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polkadot
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Post by polkadot » Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:50 am

Oom Koos van die Oos Transvaal besit sy plasie nou al vir donkiejare.

Skuins agter die bloekoms het hy destyds vir sy kinders die plaasdam in 'n swembad omskep en goed ingerig, met piekniektafels, braaigeriewe en vrugtebome.

Een aand, so skemer se Kant, besluit Oom Koos, in sy eensaamheid, om bietjie daar by die dam te gaan sit. Hy neem toe ook 'n emmer saam om 'n paar van die vrugte terug te neem huis toe.

Soos wat hy aangestap kom, hoor hy vrolike stemme gesels en giggel. Hy Val plat agter 'n bos en loer deur die takke om te sien wat aangaan. Tot sy swak hart beleef hy 'n groep kaal meisies wat in die dam swem. Hy staan toe op en stap nader om die meisies te laat weet hulle betree eintlik 'n ander man se eiendom. Toe hulle hom sien, sak hulle almal laer af, sodat die water die nodige toemaak.

Een van die meisies skreeu benoud op die oom: \"Ons klim nie uit voor oom nie weggaan nie!\"

\"Nee, nee, bedaar niggie, ek is nie hier om te kyk hoe die spulletjie van
julle kaal........ Swem nie......\" Hy hou die emmer omhoog en sê:

\"Ek is net gou hier om die krokodil kos te gee..................\"

brolloks
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Post by brolloks » Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:00 am

babalu got fired from his job at the local 'Fish and Chips'.

sharing a beer in a nearby shebeen, his friend loyiso asked him: ' now why, my friend, did you get fired?'

' i put my 'shlongololo' in the potato peeler... when the boss walked into the room...'

'eish, my friend', replied loyiso. 'what happened with the potato peeler?'

babalu replied:'well, she got fired also...'

:oops:

8)
you have one mouth, two ears. listen more...

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Justin
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Location: Montagu
Contact:

Post by Justin » Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:06 pm

Why coloureds can't be terrorists: by MARK LOTTERING

:-) Ons is altyd laat. We would have missed all 4 flights.

:-) We talk loud and would bring attention to ourselves.

:-) Met free kos en cooldrink oppie plane, we'll sommer forget why we're there.

:-) We praat with our hands, so we'll continually be putting the weapons down.

:-) We would ALL want to fly the freaking plane, ending in a moerse fight with each other.

:-) We'll sommer argue and start a fight in the terminal before we even get on the plane &
one of us is bound to say out loud: \"Gaan kak man! Dan hijack jy die f..%***n plane alleen!!\"

:-) Ons kannie 'n secret hou nie. We would have told everyone a week before doing it, telling them: \"Moet vir niemand se nie, ho!\"

:-) We would have insisted that the plane fly past Strandfontein Pavillion.

:-) We would have all lined up to get our photograph taken by one of the hostages.

:-) When we enter the cockpit, we would have used the intercom system for a karaoke session, with one doos trying to sing 'I did it my way'.

:-) We would first rob everyone of their Ray-Bans, cell phones and gold teeth, just before we crash the plane.

:-) Our whole freaking family plus neighbors would have been at the airport to see us off, crying their bleddie eyes out, and your mother saying to the white ou next to her: \"I'm so proud of him. It's the first time he's hijacking a plane!\"

:-) We would have dressed like terrorists for our airport go- away clothes: balaclavas, jumpsuits, karate skoentjies, dark glasses, en 'n moerse attitude.

:-) Two of us would have forgotten our passports at home.

:-) Three of us would have overweight luggage.

:-) All of us would have luggage.

:-) We would have all wanted to watch the in-flight movie first.

:-) Before we went into action, we would have all queued up at the toilet to first gel our hair.

:-) We would have taken the plane for a joyride first, play the music at full blast and try to park the plane somewhere where the chicks could see us..................
Climb ZA - Administrator
justin@climbing.co.za

brolloks
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Post by brolloks » Sun Jun 08, 2008 6:56 pm

whats the diff between a introvert accountant and a extrovert accountant?

the introvert accountant looks at his shoes when he speaks to you...

the xtrovert accountant looks at YOUR shoes when he speaks to you...




@ mokganjetski: i AM still cool...... just had too much xpresso on that day...

piesh!

8)
you have one mouth, two ears. listen more...

Marshall
Posts: 434
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2006 6:09 am

Post by Marshall » Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:53 pm

Man Laws - Live by it!!!! Die by it!!!!

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. -->

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. -->

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'


I hope this clears up any confusion ....

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polkadot
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Post by polkadot » Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:58 pm

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

ant
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Post by ant » Fri Jun 13, 2008 9:38 am

Two Jelly-beans are walking down the road, when they see two Peppermints beating the sugar out of a Fruit-Pastel.
Jelly-bean 1 says to Jelly-bean 2: \"Hey, come let's go break that up!\"
Jelly-bean 2: \"Whoa, dude, no ways! Those guys are Menthol!

...and to think that jokes like that can get you lynched in some parts of the world...

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polkadot
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Post by polkadot » Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:53 pm

Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.



@ PRISON You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ WORK you spend the majority of your time
In an 6X6 cubicle /office

@ PRISON You get three meals a day fully paid for

@ WORK you get a break for one meal and
You have to pay for it

@ PRISON You get time off for good behavior


@ WORK you get more work for
Good behaviour

@ PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ WORK You must often carry a security card
And open all the doors for yourself



@ PRISON You can watch TV and play games


@ WORK you could get fired for watching
TV and playing games

@ PRISON You get your own toilet


@ WORK you have to share the toilet with
Some people who pee on the seat



@ PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit


@ WORK you aren't even supposed to speak
To your family



@ PRISON All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required



@ WORK you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners



@ PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out


@ WORK you spend most of your time wanting
To get out and go inside bars







Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to read jokes.

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emile
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Post by emile » Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:30 am

Marshal: How about posting that last bit from your last joke that got cut off?

Who's doing what these days - seems a bit quiet - do we need to start another trad vs. sport, MCSA vs non MCSA \"discussion\" to liven things up?? :twisted:

I'll take one for the team, none of the climbing chicks know where I live anyways (hopefully...):

Why are wedding dresses white? All household appliances come in white.....

\"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the General has to do is walk over to the women and say, \"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.\" -- Elayne Boosler

Q- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A- Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q- Why do men pass gas more than women?
A- Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


( OneDog ducks, hides ) :lol:

Marshall
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Post by Marshall » Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:19 am

OOPS, has the edit function been removed?

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

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polkadot
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Re: JOTD

Post by polkadot » Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:31 pm

Tips on improving productivity....


Dakota Native American tribal wisdom, passed on from generation to generation, says:


"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."


However, in educative, corporate and governmental Southern Africa , more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:


1. Buying a stronger whip.


2. Changing riders.


3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.


4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.


5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.


6. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.


7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.


8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.


9. Providing additional funding and / or training to increase dead horse's performance.


10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.


11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.


12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.


And of course ...


13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position!

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polkadot
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Re: JOTD

Post by polkadot » Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:36 pm

Kids Are Quick :jocolor:
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

brolloks
Posts: 147
Joined: Sat Aug 11, 2007 8:17 am

Re: JOTD

Post by brolloks » Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:22 pm

'n seuntjie en 'n dogtertjie sit in die sandput en speel. die seuntjie staan op, loop so 3 treë weg en begin te piepie teen die boom. die dogtertjie staan op en hardloop nader om te kyk wat hy doen.

'haai', sê sy
'jou paddatjie het darem 'n lang nek...'

8)
you have one mouth, two ears. listen more...

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emile
Posts: 830
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:18 am

A woman sitting at a restaurant in Brakpan suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kan you like swallow?", asked one. The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Kan you like breeve?" asked the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.' With that, the first Brakpan ou walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, pulled down her panties, and quickly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another sip of his Klipdrift & Coke.

His partner said in admiration, "Ma se moer, I did heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.. "


:mrgreen:

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emile
Posts: 830
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Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Jul 01, 2008 1:27 pm

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

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emile
Posts: 830
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Jul 02, 2008 8:41 pm

I dedicate this post to our female climbers (and womankind in general for that matter), who I have so mercilessly teased in previous posts, endangering some hard climbing men in the process (brolloks, how's the black eye?):

Fact: Men are living proof women can take a joke

Q. What did God say after he made man?
A. I can do better.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay!


:wink:

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emile
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Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Jul 09, 2008 9:44 am

Two men and a woman were shipwrecked and on a deserted island. After a week the woman was so disgusted with what the men were doing to her, she killed herself. A week later, the two men were so disgusted with what they were doing, they decided to bury her. A week after that , the two men were so completely disgusted with what they were doing, they dug her up again.

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emile
Posts: 830
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:23 am

How to stop people from bugging you about getting married

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

brolloks
Posts: 147
Joined: Sat Aug 11, 2007 8:17 am

Re: JOTD

Post by brolloks » Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:20 pm

@ 1d: 8) .... takes off shades...


:pirat: .... takes off eyepatch...

:eye: ....

just kidding, she only took away my fingertape... hehehe

anyways, to prove that women rule:

a reporter visits a granny on her 112th birthday to interview her.
'how did you get to be soo old, mam, whats your secret?' he asked her with admiration.
'i believe in steamy, wild, abundant, frequent and loud sex, as much as you can...' came her reply...
stunned, the reporter asked her about when last she had, um, sex like that...
'1932' she answered...
'what, wow, you mean that all that happened in 1932, and because off that, you're 112 years old today?!'...
'no', she replied, 'it happened at 19h32, is now 20h15, dear boy...'


8)
you have one mouth, two ears. listen more...

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