The 11th Husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me .

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it............. God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. .....

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

I'm feeling brave again today.....

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't make a vitamin.

Confusion reigns when you don't simplify things


A Priest kept chickens at his village parish.

One evening the cock went missing.

At mass the priest asked,

"Who has a cock?"

All the men got up...........

"No! I meant who has seen a cock?"

All the women got up............

"No, No! Who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"

Half the women got up.

"Oh!!! For goodness sake! Who has seen my cock?

"All the nuns got up!!

The disease affects everyone...

BOB & THE BLONDE


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 100 kph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Department of Welfare office to apply for Unemployment Insurance. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Unemployment Insurance application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Unemployment Insurance office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My heavens!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-Type Jag in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the Super 14 Final. As he sits
down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super 14 Final, the biggest sporting event of
the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Super 14 Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head.... "No. They're all at the funeral."

This one's for 1Dog

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian chief proclaims,

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the harvest festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully! For the last time, i said ... BRING POSSE"

lol !!!

Fanks for that

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not.



Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary ....'.

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.



Socrates continued..' You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.



Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed.



This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace.
The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film.
When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.
After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!"
The man replied: 'I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."

A TRAIN HITS A BUS FILLED WITH CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRLS AND THEY ALL
PERISH.

THEY ARE IN HEAVEN TRYING TO ENTER THE PEARLY GATES WHEN ST.PETER ASKS
THE
FIRST GIRL, "TIFFANY, HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANY CONTACT WITH A MALE
ORGAN?"
SHE GIGGLES AND SHYLY REPLIES, "WELL, I ONCE TOUCHED THE HEAD OF ONE
WITH THE TIP OF MY FINGER."
ST. PETER SAYS, "OKAY, DIP THE TIP OF YOUR FINGER IN THE HOLY WATER AND
PASS THROUGH THE GATE."



ST.PETER ASKS THE NEXT GIRL THE SAME QUESTION, "JENNIFER, HAVE YOU EVER
HAD ANY CONTACT WITH A MALE ORGAN?"
THE GIRL IS A LITTLE RELUCTANT BUT REPLIES, "WELL, ONCE I FONDLED AND
STROKED ONE."
ST. PETER SAYS, "OKAY, DIP YOUR WHOLE HAND IN THE HOLY WATER AND PASS
THROUGH THE GATE."

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE IS A LOT OF COMMOTION IN THE LINE OF GIRLS. ONE
GIRL IS PUSHING HER WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE. WHEN SHE REACHES THE
FRONT ST. PETER SAYS, "LISA! WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE RUSH?"
THE GIRL REPLIES, "IF I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GARGLE THAT HOLY WATER, I
WANT TO DO IT BEFORE JESSICA STICKS HER A$$ IN IT.

lmfao

This is for you emile...

A female form of Viagra has been invented. It makes women's legs stiff so that they can stand longer in the kitchen...

(Ducks and runs)

These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling)
collected by schools all over South Africa . *

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.*

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse Shadrak being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33. *

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Blessing from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..

7. *Moses was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt
in the growing part.*

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

10. Please excuse Justice Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)
(direathe) the sh its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.

13. *Petros was absent yesterday because he missed his bust*.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Beauty home because she was to go Christmas shopping because I
don't know what size she wear.

16. *Please ekxcuse Wiseman for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off verunda, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday. *

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.

20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.*

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. *

22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best
either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her
father even got hot last night. *

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father
is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.*

Kentucky Lion and his Master, Red River Gorge, Kentucky, USA

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

Men are better than women!

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government
Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your
stuff..' CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
Sh*t on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation...............and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

AND THAT MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE
WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
masturb.......ng furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testi.....cles rapidly fill with seme.....n, and if he
doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his
testi....cles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying
in bed while a nurse performed oral s......x on him. Again, the woman
screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better medical
aid."

The *Sharing* in a MARRIAGE....
> >
> > The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
> >
> > He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
> > one
> > half in front of his wife.
> >
> > He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
> > piles
> > and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
> >
> > He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
> > down
> > between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
> > people
> > around them were looking over and whispering.
> >
> > Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
> > afford is
> > one meal for the two of them.'
> >
> > As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
> > politely
> > offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they
> > were
> > just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
> >
> > People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
> > bite.
> > She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
> > sipping
> > the drink.
> >
> > Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
> > meal
> > for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to
> > sharing everything.'
> >
> > Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
> > the
> > napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
> > yet to
> > eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
> >
> > She answered .....
>
> > 'THE TEETH...'

A woman went up to the bar in
a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face

closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full
beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking
his face with both

hands. "Actually, no," he
replied. "Can
you get him for me? I need

to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond
his beard and

into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the
bartender.. "Is there
anything I can

do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she
continued, running her

forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping
a couple of

her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed
to
say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies
room."

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and
scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

~ The end

Rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France

_________________
Happy climbing
Nic

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

> The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
>
> 'May I help you sir?' she asked.
>
>
> 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
>
> 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
>
> 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged R3000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out three thousand rands and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
>
> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still R3000.
>
> Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
>
> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
> After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
>
> The man replied, ' Bloemfontein'.
> 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Bloemfontein .'
>
> 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your R9,000 inheritance.'
>
> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
> 1. Death
> 2. Taxes
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
“No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

1. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
2. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
8. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
9. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
10. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
11. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
12. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
13. Procrastinate Now!
14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
15. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
16. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.