Seems global warming has made spring red hot......

A big mining company hires several cannibals.
“You are all part of our team now,” says the HR manager during the welcoming briefing.
“You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees.”
The cannibals promise they will not.

Four weeks later their boss assembles them and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shake their heads .

After the boss leaves, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which one of you idiots ate the admin chick?”

A hand rises hesitantly.
The leader of the cannibals is furious.
“You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no-one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!”

The Husband Store




A store that sells new husbands has opened in Sandton , just along from the Gautrain station where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
!
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'





So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign! reads:





Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor..
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.


The first floor has wives that love sex.




The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where sh e picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love m e for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.

My wife told me that if I didn't stop climbing so much , she would leave me
Damm I'm going to miss her

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral directorto play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. Ifelt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side ofthe grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one ofthe workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've beenputting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I was still lost....

Youngest Son:
Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially"
and "reality?"
Dad:
I will show you.

Dad turns to his wife and asks her,
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?"
Wife:
Yes, off course! I would never waste such an opportunity!
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million
dollars?

Daughter:
Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy!
Dad turns to his eldest son and asks him, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise
for 1 million dollars?"
Eldest son:
Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million
dollars! I would not even hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying:

"You see son, 'potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'reality' we are
living with two hookers and a moffie!"

An man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

DUCKED

The Judge President of the Cape Bar went duck hunting in rural
Limpopo Province. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the judge climbed over the fence, an elderly Afrikaans farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing...

The Judge responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming
over here.'

The indignant judge said, 'I am one of the most important judges in
South Africa and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently you don't know how we
settle disputes in Limpopo Province. We settle small disagreements like
this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The Judge asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and
so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The Judge quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He also liked the idea of kicking an
Afrikaner so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
Judge. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
into the judge's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the judge's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The judge was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the judge very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old Afrikaans fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Mrs Evans asks the class to make up short love-themed stories. Little Susy's hand is up first: "My daddy loves my mommy very much, he brings her breakfast in bed." Next up is Annie "My sister has a boyfriend and they love each other VERY much. When he comes to visit they sit on the porch and kiss".

..and so it goes on until it's Johnny's turn. "Buck Jones walks into a bar where seven men sit drinking beer. He shoots them all dead." Mrs Evans is a bit confused and asks "Well Johnny, that's very concise but what's it got to do with love?". Johnny answers "It just goes to show that you don't fvck with Buck Jones"

Some boyscouts went to see an old veteran in the nursing home and he was telling them about the war.

He said "One time while on a mission, a lion jumped out and went ROAR. I crapped myself."

One of the boys said "That’s understandable, we would be scared of a lion, too."

The old man said "No, I mean just now, when I went ROAR"!

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Its 4:20 pm friday afternoon and im bored


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Puddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "R 150!" she cried, "R150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been R 20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it's now R 150."



A lawyer boarded an airplane in Cape Town with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in Johannesburg , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Cape town, please raise your hand.
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

Where do Astronauts hang out...???

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.

Love it

_________________
Climb ZA - Administrator

Two nuns from Bloemfontein decided to go to Joburg for the first time as a '50 years in the convent' celebration gift to themselves.
Being very old fashioned, they didn't know much about the 'new world' at all, and as they got off the train, the smells of a nearby hot dog stand immediately got their attention.
As they cautiously approached the stand, the saw the add on the wall:
"Hot Dogs
Special Price
R20 each"

They discussed it and decided to go for it, and buy themselves one each. 'What the hell, you only live once, hey?'

Upon receiving the first hot dog, the one nun took it from the vendor, opened the packet, and blushed scarlet and exclaimed:

'What part of the dog did they give you then, sister Mary?'



ps. Hey Justin, how about getting a little "Like", "Dislike" function added to this forum, like Facebook has.

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what’s your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!"

Sipho, driving the latest BMW, was pulled over by a Gauteng policeman at a roadblock.
'Congratulations', said the cop...'Because you are wearing your seat belt you have just won R5,000 in an Arrive Alive safety competition'. Sipho could hardly believe his luck.
'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.
'Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' Sipho answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat.
'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'
This woke up Ndlovu in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
'I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Mazda would have been better.'
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakeles' voice said, 'Are we over the border yet?'
The cop said.... 'Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this R5000?!'

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road,

he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!"

Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been, laddy...but it's nice t'see ye won furst prize!"

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the robber's hood and pulled it off, revealing his face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out who knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

_________________
You may still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not. Cat Stevens

Haha.... ossem.

Haunting retro-bolted trad lines I'm sure....

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. SPAM : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men