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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:19 pm 
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Location: Stellenbosch
Real Name: Nic Le Maitre
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:40 am 
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Real Name: Kevin Dingle
Nice one,

All my School music lessons came back to me in a flash :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 5:33 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:32 am 
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 3:16 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:08 pm
Posts: 61
Location: Rustenburg
Real Name: Marc Dewrance
From Frank Viola's blog:

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out his window and asked the cowboy . . .

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, and then looked at his peacefully grazing herd. He calmly answered, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whipped out his Dell notebook computer, connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page on the Internet. He then called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he immediately fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot saying that the image had been processed and the data stored. He then accessed a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet via email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, he received a response.

Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turned to the cowboy named Bud and said, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

Bud replied: “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.”

Bud watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on amused as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud said to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thought about it for a second and said, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” said Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered Bud. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows . . . this is a herd of sheep . . .

Now give me back my dog.”


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2012 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2007 9:40 am
Posts: 726
Location: Stellenbosch
Real Name: Nic Le Maitre
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:11 pm 
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Real Name: OneDog
"Jesus loves you": A nice thing to hear in church. A horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 8:49 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:31 am
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 12:21 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
I've been trying to teach my dog to dance, but he's useless. He's got two left feet.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:30 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
Yesterday I passed my wife a glue-stick instead of her lipstick.

She's still not talking to me.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:51 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
The wife left me a note on the fridge......"Its not working !! I can't take it anymore, I have gone to stay at my Mom's". I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold.....F#ck knows what she was on about...


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:26 pm 
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Real Name: OneDog
Mike has his snowmobile breakdown while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in about an hour.

When he comes back, the mechanic says to him "It looks like you have blown a seal". Mike says "No, that's just a little frost on my moustache."


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:56 pm 
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Real Name: Justin Lawson
If there is a wild goose and you're trying to chase it, and someone leads you away from your hunt, are you closer or further away from your objective than you were before?

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 8:48 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that...?" thought the spider.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:37 pm 
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Real Name: OneDog
I asked my girlfriend for a newspaper, she said "Here, use my iPad"

The spider never knew what hit it.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 11:07 am 
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Posts: 726
Location: Stellenbosch
Real Name: Nic Le Maitre
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, aBolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:38 am 
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Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:19 pm
Posts: 97
Real Name: Catherine Esterhuizen
A woman walks into an accountant ' s office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes...

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I ' ll need to ask you a few
questions."

He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What ' s your
occupation?"

"I ' m a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let ' s try to rephrase
that."

The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won ' t work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I ' m an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

:afro:


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Jul 07, 2012 11:15 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2012 11:29 am
Posts: 107
Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Ben Olivier
Catherine wrote:
A woman walks into an accountant ' s office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes...

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I ' ll need to ask you a few
questions."

He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What ' s your
occupation?"

"I ' m a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let ' s try to rephrase
that."

The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won ' t work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I ' m an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

:afro:


I found this humerus!

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 3:42 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:31 am
Posts: 2875
Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Nothing f***s up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday!

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:48 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:21 am 
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Posts: 164
That doesn't count! It's just millions of copies of the same piece of data! Spam if you like :pirat:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 1:03 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 2:10 pm
Posts: 137
Location: Durban, South Africa
Real Name: Scott Sinclair
mullet wrote:
That doesn't count! It's just millions of copies of the same piece of data!

That there's multiple copies of the same data is probably irrelevant to the calculation of data transfer rate. I'm pretty sure all of the data fits in cache, so we can ignore any clever caching optimizations built into the hardware..

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At the chaaaaains boet!!


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 10:14 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
I hate conspiracy theorists. I'm sure they're all working together somehow to bring down society.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:09 am 
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Location: Cape Town
Real Name: Ernesto Ismail
The King of Siam came to power in his early teens and his rule over the land was aided by his Grand Vizier and other wise men. Despite the help of these men the young King still needed to hold court and deal with envoys and delegates from other nations. The king decided that he needed a phrase which he could rely on, which was suitable for all occasions. He hoped that if this was found he would never need to fear looking like a fool. He this instructed his advisors to find just such a phrase for him. After many weeks of contemplation the Grand Vizier came to the king telling him that they had found the phrase. It was "This too shall pass". The reasoning was sound. In times of hardship it was a gentle word of encouragement and in times of plenty it was a careful word of caution. Using this phrase the king went on to be one of the most successful leaders of his era - his phrase working well for him. Unfortunately the Grand Vizier was not quite as correct as history has lead us to believe. You see...the Grand Vizier had never heard of Pierre Spies.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 1:06 pm 
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Real Name: OneDog
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating He asks, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 1:12 pm 
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Real Name: Justin Lawson
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

Whoever smelt it, dealt it does not, apparently, apply to airport sniffer dogs.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 9:21 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2010 9:52 am
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Location: Cape Town
Drie gesuipte manne kom uit n bar uit en klim toe in n Taxi. :drunken: Die Taxi drywer sien toe hulle is dronk. Hy start die Taxi, rev so paar keer en sluit die Taxi weer af en sê: “Manne, ons is hier!”

Twee klim uit en sê dankie. Die ander een bly sit en gee die Taxi drywer n moerse klap en sê: ”Next time ry jy nie so v@kken vinnig nie! Ons kon dood gewees het!”

:afro:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 8:55 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Facebook sign up pay package


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:03 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
My girlfriend recently found out she was adopted, she was devastated... Kept crying asking why they didn't want her. I cuddled her a bit, she then asked me to make love to her.

I did & the tears began to flow even more. I suppose shagging her & shouting: "Who's your daddy" might have been a bit insensitive.'


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:09 am 
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Posts: 591
This winter was rather harsh.

To the extent that the Freestate Farmers fought of the cold by wearing 2 pairs of kort-broekke.


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