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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 3:59 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
As the great white shark looked on, he saw, with dismay, that his next meal had a broken flipper.
Normally he would have been excited, but everyone knows if the seal is broken you shouldn't eat it.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 10:16 pm 
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Real Name: OneDog
My uncle drowned in a lake. I bought a floral tribute in the shape of a life-jacket.

It's what he would have wanted.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:27 am 
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Location: Kwa-Zulu Natal
A man at the local Mall is advertising and demonstrating the Newest washing powder on the market called “ZAP”

He had a display set up with a washbasin containing the new product. He asked the crowd to volunteer items to wash and to show them how wonderful the product is.

A man hands him his Jersey and the Sales man takes it and places the jersey into the washbasin followed by these quirky words:

“Into Zap” (places item into the basin)
“Out of Zap” (removes item from basin)
“Into Zap” (places item into the basin)
“Out of Zap” (removes item from basin)
“Into the Light, look so bright” (holds item up to a light)
“On the nose, smells so nice” (smells the item)

It was spotless and clean with a fresh smell.
And so it went on with a few items.
A lady handed the man her panties and said, “Here, try this”

The man took the Panties and:
“Into Zap” (places item into the basin)
“Out of Zap” (removes item from basin)
“Into Zap” (places item into the basin)
“Out of Zap” (removes item from basin)
“Into the Light, look so bright” (holds item up to a light)
“On the nose, into Zap, out of Zap”

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 11:33 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
:)


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 11:17 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
After reading 50 Shades of Grey, my wife thinks it's incredibly seductive to wink at me whilst biting her lip.

I'm enjoying it too much to tell her it should be her bottom lip.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:11 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
If someone works in large office, please print this out and stick it on the copier. Oh, and record and post the results :)


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2013 1:13 pm 
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Joined: Fri Sep 22, 2006 1:45 pm
Posts: 588
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
Jesus went out for a walk and got hit by a speedboat.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 4:56 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
I got a really nice letter from the bank today.
It said my account was outstanding!

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 9:56 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2012 6:37 pm
Posts: 341
Real Name: Jonathan Newman
"Waiter, waiter. My coffee tastes like mud"
"I'm not surprised - it was ground a few minutes ago"

"Waiter, waiter. Does the pianist take requests?"
"Certainly sir, should I pass him a request for you?"
"Please do, tell him he should take a break while I finish my food"

"Waiter, waiter. Please bring me the bill"
"Certainly sir. How did you find your gourmet meal?"
"With a magnifying glass!"

Ok - and just to top off some childish jokes, here are some books:
- Corporal Punishment by Ben Doverback-Wards
- Water Everywhere by I P Freely
- English Grammar by I R Clever

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:41 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
500 dogs were stolen last night. The police have no leads!

Chris Weidner: Top 10 reasons why you shouldn't date a climber - http://www.dailycamera.com/news/ci_22877311

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 1:50 pm 
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Real Name: Jonathan Newman
"The one day my wife told me that the 'spice' had gone from our marriage - she recommended that I go out and get some pills to bring back some of the fireworks... So I got her some diet pills!"

"My wife said that if I don't get her something that goes from 0-100 in under 4 seconds for her birthday, she'd divorce me. The day came and she woke up to see a large box wrapped in a wrapping paper and a large ribbon sitting in the driveway. She was so excited, she raced out to the driveway, in a great rush she tore off the packaging. In the box she found a scale..."

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 4:03 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 10:25 pm
Posts: 198
Real Name: Wesley
"My wife said the spark had gone out of our relationship. So I tasered her. I Will ask her again when she wakes up."


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2013 10:33 am 
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Posts: 31
Location: North west
Real Name: jasonjohn
new cable car


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 8:55 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
I'm headed to a workshop about sexual harassment in the workplace today...

I can't wait for the tips, most of my advances are crude and ineffective.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:37 pm 
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Real Name: Jonathan Newman
Ok, not so much a joke as an interesting story about habits, and I already posted it elsewhere, but anyway:

A mother was teaching her 8 year old how to make a pot roast. She told her daughter that you always chop a piece off the edge of the roast before cooking it. Her daughter asked why and she said she didn't know. That night when the mother was talking to her mother (the girl's grandmother), she asked why and her mother didn't know why either. The next day the grandmother went to visit her mother (the girl's great grandmother). It turns out that she cut off the end because she didn't have a big enough pot!

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 8:26 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 8:55 pm 
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Real Name: Jonathan Newman
I finally got my trad gear this week :) I was very close to posting the following as a facebook status, fortunately I read it before hitting "post":
"I can't wait to shove my nuts into some cracks this weekend" :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon May 20, 2013 1:18 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Party !!


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2013 6:13 pm 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
What does a horny frog say?
Rubbit.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 9:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2009 3:09 pm
Posts: 52
Location: Waterval Boven
Real Name: Jan Bradley
That is the best one yet :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2013 8:11 pm 
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Posts: 61
Location: Rustenburg
Real Name: Marc Dewrance
1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

3. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of” (Love it!)

6. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

7. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized ” Wheeling ” washtub.

10. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

11. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the collection plates are really hubcaps from a’56 Chevy

12. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if .. the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks

14. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

15. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

16. You know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear”.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue May 28, 2013 9:26 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri May 31, 2013 9:48 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:31 am
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Rally driver admits he has no idea what co-driver is talking about

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sun Jun 02, 2013 10:17 pm 
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Real Name: Jonathan Newman
"rock climbing is mostly safe, provided you never fall"
"no, falling is safe, provided you never land"


"I knew someone who free climbed, once"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sun Jun 02, 2013 10:17 pm 
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An extract from an RD on a peak called 4th Cigar at Southern Didima/Northern Monk's Cowl (Northern Drakensberg):
"a left hand descent of the falls leads to an obvious C traverse. By getting lost in the mist the start of the climb was reached. From the start climb to the right of a large block up some 30 feet (10m), and 120 feet (40m) of D. A right hand traverse leads to 20 feet (6m) of E and an obvious 80 foot (25m) E chimney to the summit."

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2013 10:24 pm 
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Real Name: Jonathan Newman
So I'm at Checkers buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While standing in line at the till, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20kgs before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food pellets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a pavement to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it. Now copy and share. Make someone else laugh lol.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 9:01 am 
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Its true, alcohol kills... But it more than compensates by the number of people born because of it.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 9:01 am 
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Real Name: Justin Lawson
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:20 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 03, 2012 6:37 pm
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Real Name: Jonathan Newman
Best quote from climbing trad today: Bugs shouts to a lady "you have a nice full rack"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:29 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:31 am
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Location: Montagu
Real Name: Justin Lawson
I used to go out with a girl called Arial. I dumped her.
She wasn't my type.

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