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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Jul 27, 2013 10:42 pm 
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Justin wrote:
I used to go out with a girl called Arial. I dumped her.
She wasn't my type.


A man asked a Roman scribe why he dumped his girlfriend, the scribe replied "at times one needs a new Roman".

I think that joke require an award for lamest joke of the year. Ok, so to make up for it, here's a better joke

an article clerk is auditing a mental institution. One of the senior members of staff is showing him around the building when he gets shown the test room.

"this is where we bring potential new admissions, as you can see the bath is full of water, and there is a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket. We ask the patient to empty the bath with as little work as possible and we evaluate them based on their approach"

The auditor replies "oh, that's easy. Surly you would use the bucket?"

"No, you pull out the plug. Would you like a room with a window?"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jul 29, 2013 1:23 pm 
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How do you know when you have met an extraverted auditor? He looks at your shoes :lol: :pukel:


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 8:45 pm 
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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.


"You the bomb", "No you the bomb".
- A compliment in America.
- An argument in the Middle East.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:59 pm 
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Two TV aerials got married. The wedding wasn't so good but the reception was brilliant!


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:37 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:04 am 
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I've joined the tourettes society, they've just finished swearing me in.

Siamese twins are like buses.
You don't see one all day, then two come along at once.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 2:20 pm 
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Have you ever read a warning label on a bottle of medicine and wondered "Man, I bet there was an awesome story to that".

I've joined the tourettes society, they've just finished swearing me in.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:12 pm 
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Flying Zuma home eats up rescue budget

The SA Air Force’s two helicopter squadrons on the coast have received no funding this year for sea and mountain rescue operations, but have received funding for VIP flights, according to a report.


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sun Aug 18, 2013 8:07 pm 
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"trad climbing is the only sport where you are encouraged to use your friends"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:59 pm 
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Bear


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Aug 30, 2013 8:38 am 
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 6:18 pm 
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down to see what's happening.

I've decided to call my toilet the Jim instead of the John.
It just sounds better when I tell people I go to the Jim every morning.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 6:34 pm 
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Today I photocopied my sandwich - the machine said "error - jam in feeder"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 10:48 am 
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Some old lightbulb jokes...

When Thomas Edison conceptualised the lightbulb - what appeared above his head?

How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb? 5, but you should have seen the size of it, 5 was almost not enough...

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter - they never get the house anyway...

How many U2 band members does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Bono - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him...

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just 1, but it takes a lot of time and the bulb has to want to change.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 3:28 pm 
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Real Name: Wesley


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Sep 12, 2013 8:40 am 
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They say 90% of all Land Rovers manufactured are still on the road.
The other 10% have reached their destination.

Land Rovers are just like married women...
They moan on long journeys, embarrass you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've committed yourself to one.

Traffic cops congratulate you when they issue you a speeding ticket!

Why do Land Rovers have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for AA road assistance.

Land Rovers have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4s.
That's because they are always being towed by other vehicles.

Why do Land Rovers always drive in convoy?
They are playing 'Who's The Weakest Link?'

Ever wondered why the models are called Series 90, Defender 110, etc?
Those numbers in the model name indicate their top speeds!

When you drive on a toll road, you'll notice these yellow emergency phones next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are four emergency numbers listed: Police, ambulance, fire and... Landrover Service!

Q: What do you find on page 4 and 5 of a Land Rover Owner's Manual?
A: The train & bus timetable.

Q: What is the sport version of a Land Rover?
A: When the driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Land Rover with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you do if your Landy gets surrounded by a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge inside the vehicle.

Q. Why do the latest models have rear window demisters?
A. To keep your hands warm when pushing.

Land Rover dealers have a special promotion this month...
Buy one, and you get a dog for free!!
Then you don't have to walk home alone!

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:37 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
hahahaha

On a quiet bushveld night you can hear the 'cruisers rusting


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:38 am 
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A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead of f*cking lessons!


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2013 7:33 am 
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Under the bonnet in the Karoo


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:10 am 
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These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.

“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”

“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.”

“For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”

“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Sep 19, 2013 9:18 pm 
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"My girlfriend person posted a photo of her new puppy on Facebook, titled 'my baby' - I replied 'she really takes after her mother'. Not sure why she won't return my calls anymore"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2013 5:34 pm 
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Some more answers by school children:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Still reading? Have you no work to do?

32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:04 am 
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Real Name: OneDog
When Miley Cyrus is half naked and licks a hammer its "art" and "music"; but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and have to leave "builders warehouse"


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:53 pm 
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Some relatively childish jokes for a change :dwarf: :

"It has been said that sport climbing is neither a sport, nor is it climbing. This may be due to the fact that sport climbers have no nuts"

"Someone once asked me why I started trad climbing - I told them I was sick of having no friends"

"Is it gross that trad climbers often share a nut scratcher?"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:05 pm 
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Pakistani cricketers who aren't fluent in English often prepare answers in advance for press conferences. One day after a match with Shoaib Malik.

Media: "So Malik, thats fantastic; your wife Sania is pregnant."
Malik: "Ya all credit goes to my team. Everyone worked hard for it, specially Afridi. It was a tight situation when he went in. His performance was really fantastic with Razzak in the middle. Also the crowd gathered to watch his work, our coach also have enjoyed it, they work hard day and night, all credit goes to my coach and my teammates and special thanks to Sania who support me for this job."

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:10 pm 
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Don't trust atoms... They make up everything.

The last thing I shared went viral... It wasn't on the internet.

How do you know when someone has installed IOS 7? Don't worry, they will tell you.

Ghaznavid wrote:
Pakistani cricketers who aren't fluent in English often prepare answers in advance for press conferences. One day after a match with Shoaib Malik.

Brilliant :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 6:54 pm 
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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2013 6:51 pm 
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Conrad Anker just posted on fb that he has been mentoring a 14 year old. After 8 pitches of 5.10 climbing he asked him if he'd like to get stronger. The teen enthusiastically said yes - so Conrad made him carry all the gear. Mentoring is fun :afro:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 12:31 pm 
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Looks a tad graphic - but its not what it looks like:
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:08 am 
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The Fed Is Not a Clown Show


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