I just found a website packed full of terribly lame jokes. Here are some of them:
"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
"Nothing, chimneys can't talk."
What's long, brown, and sticky?
why did the kid cross the playground
to get to the other SLIDE
What do you call sombody else's cheese?
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
What did Spock find in the bathroom of the USS Enterprise?
The Captain's Log!
Two atoms were talking to each other.
The first atom says, "I've lost an electron."
The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"
First atom answers, "I'm positive!"
What's 17 inches long and makes a woman scream all night long?
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist office naked and wrapped in plastic. The psychiatrist says to him: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
A guy walks into a dentist office. He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
I wasn't breast fed as a baby. My mother just wanted to be friends.
What's about six inches long, has a big head, and women can't get enough of.
The new hundred dollar bill
Mom, Dad and baby tomato are walking down the street. Baby starts falling behind. Dad goes back and squashes the baby and says "Ketchup!"
Zwei peanuts are valking down ze strcasse and one vas assaulted... peanut.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing. It just gave a little whine.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing. It just waved.
Have you heard the one about Helen Keller?
Neither has she.
man tells his doctor, "whenever i drink tea that has sugar in it i get a stinging sensation in one of my eyes!"
doctor says, "try taking the spoon out first"
A man is sitting at a bar having a drink when he hear "Nice shoes". Looking around he sees no one close by. Then he hears "Great tie!" Still no one else near him. Then he hears "I like your hat!" Finally, he calls the bartender over and asks him what is going on. The bartender says "Oh, the peanuts are complementary.
Two fish in a tank.
One fish turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
2 muffins are in a bag. The first muffin says "Man, its hot in here" and the second one says "Oh my, a talking muffin!!!!!"
"Doc, you've got to help me. Every night I have these recurring dreams! In one, I'm a wigwam; the other a teepee. Wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee!"
"Obviously you're two tents."
A string walks into a bar. Bartender says "we don't server strings here." String walks outside, ties himself, undoes one end of himself. Walks back in, bartender says "are you a string?" String says "No, I'm a frayed knot."
How many Freudian Psychatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to turn the bulb, the other two to hold the penis......I mean the ladder!
Pavlov. Just checking.
Rene Descartes walks into a restaurant.
Waiter asks Descartes if he'll be having the special.
Descartes replies "I think not", and instantly disappears.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb in a tree and act like a nut.
What did the wall say to the ceiling?
Meet you at the corner!
"A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, as her father gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
Duck goes into a pharmacy. Tells the pharmacist he needs some chapstick.
Pharmacist asks "Are you paying cash?"
Duck says, "No, just put it on my bill."
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."
Did you hear that Mick Jagger adopted a frog for a son? The frog went into a bank and tried to get a loan. "You have anything for collateral?" Patricia Whack, the loan officer asked. The frog gave the loan officer a small ceramic figurine. The loan officer called her boss and the boss responded, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Two eskimos were out fishing in their kayak and became chilly, so one of them built a fire in the boat, which burned through the hull. The boat sank, the eskimos drowned, proving you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call four matadors in quicksand?
So this midget psychic convict escaped from the penitentiary. The headlines next day read, "Small medium at large."
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac whe stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog?
What did the owl say to the squirrel who knocked on his door? Who? Who?
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Buddhist pays $20 for his $1 hotdog and waits....
Eventually he says "Aren't you going to give me change?"
Vendor replies "Change comes from within."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the beach?
Hanging on the wall? Art.
Propped against the wall? Eileen
Japanese and propped against the wall? Irene
Swimming in the ocean? Bob
In front of your door? Matt
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
-Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
-Just one, but it takes nine visits.
A mushroom walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Why should I give you a beer?" Mushroom replies, "Because I'm a fun-gi."
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Speaking of fish, one flopped into a bar. The bartender said, "What can I get you?" The fish said, "WATER!" The mushroom laughed.
Two guys are fishing and they reel in a bottle. They open it an a genie grants them one wish. One of them says, "I wish this whole lake was beer!" The lake becomes beer, and the genie vanishes. The second guy says, "You idiot! Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!!!"
Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Did you hear that the Dali Lama won't let the shoot him up with novacaine when they fix his cavities? He wants to transcend Dental Medication.
What did the Blonde name her Zebra?
How can you tell if your landscaper is blonde?
The bushes are darker than the grass.
Guy was flying a helicopter around Seattle when he flew into a dense fog. After a while he saw a building, so he hovered outside the window, and while people came up to look he wrote a sign that said "Where am I?" and stuck it to the glass. The onlookers conferred and put up a sign that said, "You're in a Helicopter:, by which he knw that he was at Microsoft headquarters. Where else can you get such perfectly accurate and utterly useless information?
What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a lawyer?
Nothing, there are some things a gorilla just won't do.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector
So Adam is sitting around the garden of eden one day talking to God and he tells him that he's lonely. He thinks the garden is wonderful and the animals are great too but he needs a companion. God tells Adam he can create the most wonderful, beautiful creature in the world. She will love him, care for him and do everything he asks of her. Adam says "Great! what do I have to do?" God says it'll cost you an arm and a leg. Adam says "What can I get for a rib?
*Honk! Thunk! Honk! Thunk! Honk! Thunk!*
thats the sound of a clown in a clothes dryer!
What can you sit on, clean your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon
"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
"You're too young to smoke."
How do you get elephants out of the theatre?
You can't - it's in their blood.
Werner Heisenberg was driving down the road when he gets pulled over by a police.
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?", asks the cop.
"No", replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am."
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please , and one for the road.'
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'Well , 'It's Not Unusual.'
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
And the grand finale:
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
What's the difference between a bartender and a toilet seat?
A toilet seat only has to deal with one asshole at a time.
What's the difference between a bartender and a stagecoach driver?
A stagecoach driver only has to look at the same four hourse's asses all day.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered as a hostage situation?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Is there another word for synonym?
Two Irishmen walking by a lumber yard and they see a sign which reads "Tree Fellers Wanted". One turns to the other and says "Shame there's only the two of us."
Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are running from a cop and find sacks to hide in. When the cop hits the sack with the Englishman who goes "Woof". Cop hits the bag with the Scotsman who goes "Meow". Cop hits the bag with the Irishman who goes "Potatoes".
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are drinking in a bar. The Englishman gets a pint with a fly in it. He says, "Bartender, please remove this drink." The Scot gets a pint with a fly in it, and downs it. At the end of the bar, the Irishman is hunched over his glass, so the other two walk over to see what he's doing. He's got a fly by the wings, and he's saying, "Spit it out. Spit it out, you bastard."
Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, Winston, I would put poison in your tea."
Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, Madam, I would drink it!"
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a bourbon. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve food here".
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A Carrot.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?
A: A stick
A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey! I serve a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks up and says, "Wow, you have a drink named Tim?"
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein