With the new year ahead and new projects on the go we have little time between work and vacation plans to think about the important things in life.
Like what you look like on the beach this summer.
You remember last year, when that friend from overseas came to visit? Remember the first trip to the beach and you realised the polar bear range on the colour spectrum is really not that flattering in bright sunlight. That and the wobbly core, post pie season made you look like the michelin man. Remember how you told yourself you’re going to make sure you’re in shape for next year, tanned and cut.
Well guess what, its next year already. You haven’t done anything have you?
Well don’t despair, SWAK is here with a 6 point plan to whip you into shape and get that bikini body you’ve always dream’t about.
No.1 – The first step is to admit your problem
Put down the eclair fatty, you certainly don’t need any more of that.
No.2 – The warmup
As a climber you probably don’t really warm up, hell, here at SWAK we don’t either. You go hard or you don’t go at all. Plus there’s generally only enough juice for one proper burn. However, Dave MacLeod makes a big deal of it and he climbs E11, which is so difficult its not even on the chart! Please refer to reference A to appreciate both the difficulty of E11 and the inadequacy of said chart. Anyway, I’m sure Dave has a couple of pointers on his website.
No.3 – Nail that outdoor tan
This first thing you need to understand is; to be a winner, you need to look like a winner – brown fat looks better. This one is actually the classic catch 22 scenario. You have no tan, because you never go outside, yet you’re afraid to be seen outside because you’re too pasty. We suggest self tanning lotion. DIY is the only way out, hell, no-one else is going to touch that flabby body of yours.
No.4 – The cardio workout
This one is actually a multiple step program where its a good idea to build up your stamina and speed in order to prevent injury. All you need is a pair of good running shoes and a wheel spanner. Start in a area like Strand’s beach road. Look for a vehicle with stickers and decals on the side. Now in one smooth motion, smash the window, grab the valuables and run. The reason you want to start here is because these cars might sound fast, but they’re not. And no owner is going to run you down with their cargo pants around their ankles. Once you’ve built up a nice selection of BUMP cd’s start moving up to the better areas and expensive cars with owners that don’t need yapping dogs behind them to actually run.
Here’s a SWAK Top Tip: pound for pound our studies have show Rottweilers to be the best motivation to get those knees up.
No.5 – Finger strength
After buying some badass tights to showcase those newly fit trottersticks of yours, you need to focus on your fingers. Now good finger strength is not only important for communication during peak hour traffic, but it is also handy for hanging on small holds. The best way to train and maintain good finger strength is through extensive thumb war tournaments. If you’re lucky and someone else at work also rock climbs, you can spend your lunch hour with thumb war training, but be warned, you’ll feel it after a hour straight. Also you boss will probably make you take a drug test.
No.6 – The warm down
In truth, this little orphan of the training world is probably the most important one in your training arsenal.
Fun Fact: Herotacratese and his naked wrestling in ancient Greece proved the importance of warming down in order to prevent injury as far back as 374 BC already. They also proved the importance of not pissing off the Romans.
The correct way to warm down is to find a wooden bench, preferably outside. Sit yourself down on this bench and lift your right arm in the air to indicate you require service. Once a suitable server has presented him- or herself proceed to order x amount of beers. The amount ordered depends on various factors, including but not limited to the number of people around your bench, the size of your thirst and the projected time it would reasonably take to order the next round. The brand of beer is typically not that important as long as its not American, Mexican or Italian (you don’t need to agree with us, but you’d be wrong). Unfortunately there is no hard and fast rule when warming down and one will need to decide for yourself when you have warmed down suitably. At this point its also worth noting that if one warms down too much, you will in fact start warming up again.
But at SWAK we don’t consider that a bad thing.
SWAK minister of propaganda
Related: SWAK Chronicles – Episode 1