SWAK Chronicles – Episode 3

His new Climbex cam felt light in his SWAK hands as Gustav strode to his Super-Bakkie (SB).  Stopping at Outdoor Escape proved once again to be a good way to spend bad money before heading the the Cederberge.  SWAK Jeroen and SWAK Phlip waited at the SB.

They left much later than expected that morning and the heat was already bad.  The heat promised sweaty walks up to The Cracks.
In the SB Gustav unwrapped the dodgy-sauce meatballs he bought. Jeroen had bought the same.  Gustav took a bite as Jeroen watched.
“Nee meneer.  Ons moet hierdie goed teen die muur gooi.”  Jeroen did not say anything.

“Ons sal doodgaan as ons hierdie eet.”  Jeroen still did not say anything.
“Miskien moet jy probeer – ek is nie goed met vrot proe nie.”
Gustav held the meatball out for Jeroen to take.  Jeroen looked at the meatball.

“Nee man, jou maag is baie sterker as my maag. As jy selfs twyfel moet ons dit teen die muur gooi.”  It was decided that the meatballs were to be thrown against the wall.  Phlip listened and said nothing.
The drive to the Cederberg was long and dusty.  As always they stopped often to investigate promising boulders next to the road.  When they finally arrived in the late afternoon camp was quickly prepared.  Despite Gustav’s protestation it was decided that it was too late to walk to the top.  With the pleasantly light packs that is known only to sport climbers they hurried to the Sanddrif Crag.

Eager and overconfident, Gustav lead the way up ‘All Along The Watchtower’.  Instead of a pleasant warm up he found a fairly run out and tricky Cederberg line that almost spat him off.  One spot in particular saw him climb almost all the way into an awkward crack and if it wasn’t for a sneaky hand-jam leading the way out, he would still be sitting in that crack.

Jeroen followed in fine style and Phlip even more so, skipping most of what Gustav had believed were crucial holds.  After the route was cleaned Phlip and Jeroen quickly climbed up the neighbouring ‘Wow Wow Pedal’.  Gustav, now thoroughly intimidated, followed suit without incident but it was suggested that his pants were at least PG-rated when he got down.

Night fell on a merry SWAK reunion party as SWAK Danie and SWAK Jacobus joined the fire from the darkness.

The next morning saw groggy SWAK’kers tired and sweaty at the base of the Narrow Crack.  Gustav and Jeroen wasted no time and steadily navigated up the layback crack of the first Energy Crisis pitch.  Jeroen lead the second pitch through a perfect rail around a beautiful exposed corner.
Gustav watched with a grin, happy to have survived the first pitch.  Pitch three started easy and Gustav made his way steadily up and around the corner onto the seat.  The sight of pitch four – a short (8m) rail with progressively more undercut feet and an impressive drop below made him reconsider the link and he brought Jeroen up.

After a quick snack a small item was tossed over the edge and they watched for a long time as it dropped to the bushes below.  “Not doing that again” Said Gustav as Jeroen looked at him with a wild stare.  Before this route Jeroen had only lead two pitches on trad, so Gustav suggested that he would lead the fourth pitch too.  Jeroen insisted he was good for it and shouldered the bandoleer.
“Solid.” Is all Gustav said.

Jeroen set out in a powerful bouldery style, as those who know him will expect.  At the crucial step up, Jeroen opted for the harder option of railing out with undercut smears until it seemed impossible to get up onto the ledge.  Once satisfied that he had picked the absolute hardest place to mantle up at, Jeroen proceeded to campus up for a look around.
Seeing a bad sloper and thoroughly satisfied with it, he dropped down, swung a left heel over the lip so that he now hung quite upside down.

From far below came cries of “What’s he doing?!  Look at that guy, he’s gonna die! …” as a horrified tour group shouted appropriate SWAK encouragement.

Emboldened by the tour group’s energy, Jeroen heaved himself up and over the edge, glad for the terrible sloper, and crawled into the cubby hole behind the ledge.  He lay still for a while.  Gustav watched the rope droop a good few metres from Jeroen to the number three cam and also said nothing.  After a while Jeroen crawled back a bit to put in more pro for the second, for which Gustav was very thankful.

Armed with the knowledge of what not to do, Gustav followed simply and quickly using the obvious foot halfway through the traverse.  He mantled up without difficulty and the top seemed near.
Some time was spent trying to pry a very stuck cam from the stance but student poverty and eagerness could not prevail.

Gustav set out on the lovely jug haul that is the fifth pitch, complete with mood music in the form of Jeroen belting out a world-class attempt at Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish You Were Here’.

A truly SWAK moment.

The final pitch proved as excellent and soon Jeroen had topped out the route and brought Gustav up to share in the spectacular view.  All around obvious crack systems and aretes stood proud, promises of future expeditions.

Meanwhile in the Narrow Crack Danie, Phlip and Jacobus had rigged a top-rope up Red Rain – arguably the most aesthetic line there.  Hard work had been going into figuring out the sequence and things looked promising.
While the hard men hung on tiny crimps on blood red rock, Jeroen and Gustav climbed another five-star route on the opposite wall – Le Grand Gul, a very sustained 17 well worth doing!

After a long day of climbing there was only one thing missing at the top, whiskey.  Gustav silently vowed to fix that the next day.  That night was filled as most nights in that special place with laughter and bold stories told around a roaring fire, whiskey in hand.  The next morning, with stiff legs and tired eyes the SWAK’kers hiked back the same way they had descended the previous night, but somehow the mountain had grown far steeper in the intervening hours.

Gustav shouldered the backpack and Jeroen offered to carry the little running bag.  As such Gustav sneakily placed the full glass bottle of Famous Grouse Whiskey in the little running bag, naturally.  They would have whiskey that day.

The morning started slow, but with Old Timers Disease in full baking sunlight, Phlip, Danie and Jacobus didn’t want to pass up the opportunity at a tan so they started climbing immediately, before the sun swung around to leave the route in shadow.

Gustav and Jeroen watched their merry progression up that route.  They sometimes moved back a little to catch some shade.  This happened many times as they lay on the valley floor eating chocolates for a long time.  When the first of the trio – Phlip – reached the third stance, Jeroen and Gustav decided to climb the Knobless Robot.  This went by without much incident although there was one big move that Gustav was happy to stick on the lead of the second and last pitch.

All SWAK’kers met back at the base of the Narrow Crack for a celebratory chill session.  Jeroen was as surprised as everyone else, though with less enthusiasm, when Gustav opened the running pack to reveal the full whiskey bottle.  SWAK Jacobus smiled so widely that he had to catch his pipe.  The sound of the seal cracking was met with a content sigh by all around and the late afternoon sun slowly giving way to evening was thoroughly enjoyed.

Thus far, the weekend was a perfect example of a soul-nourishing Cederberg camping trip.  Then Gustav and Jeroen ate the bacon.

It turns out that bacon bought on a Friday morning does not keep in an ice-less room temperature cooler box until Sunday night.
Jeroen stirred the little pot on the gas stove and opened the pack of bacon. “Do you think this stuff is still OK?”  He asked Gustav.
Gustav, with all the certainty of someone who is very hungry replies confidently, “Ja it’s vacuum-packed, right? Probably fine.” Jeroen took little convincing and threw bacon in the pot, not for the last time that night.

01:30:  Gustav wakes up to the sound of Jeroen coughing and making noises in the dark outside the warm and comfortable SB.
01:35:  It is now obvious Jeroen is chundering properly.
01:40: Like all people who have no idea what to do when faced with a friend who is seriously ill, Gustav asks Jeroen if he is OK.
01:41:  After retching for a minute, Jeroen replies in the negative.  Gustav suggests he sleep it off and see how he feels in the morning.  Jeroen agrees.
02:00:  Jeroen now sounds like a broken vacuum, heaving uncontrollably.  Gustav gets up and walks over to Jeroen’s tent, where he sees Jeroen is not looking good.  “Kan ek help buddy, jy lyk nie goed nie?”  Jeroen says he is feeling ill and asks for some water.
02:01:  Gustav is annoyed because suddenly he too feels nauseous.  He had heard of sympathy pain, where a good friend feels the pain of another as though it was his own.  What he was NOT OK with was sympathy nausea.  Screw Jeroen!  He can be sick on his own.  Nonetheless, on the way to the water bottle Gustav stops for a quick heave into some bushes.  “Ai, hierdie gaan ‘n lang aand wees.”
02:10:  Jeroen is now pretty much dead. He is hyperventilating, he can’t drink water, he can’t drink rehydrate, he struggles to move.  “OK brother, hier gaan ons, klim agter in my bakkie, ons gan hospitaal toe.”
02:12:  Danie climbs out of his bakkie to help.
[ 02:12-present Danie is and always will be a total legend. ]
02:13:  Danie agrees to pack up all Gustav and Jeroen’s stuff, hike up to the cracks to fetch their backpacks and gear, and bring everything back to Stellenbosch when he leaves, so that Gustav and Jeroen could just pick up and go.

02:13-03:35:  A long dark road back to Ceres and the Ceres Hospital is covered five kilometres at a time.  Every five kilometres the SB pulls over, Gustav gets out, vomits, takes a big swig of rehydrate, gets back in the car and drives another bit.  Jeroen no longer even retches, he just breathes in a deep, irregular heaving way.

03:35:  After driving half the roads in Ceres they finally reach the hospital.  Jeroen is admitted and when the hospital staff don’t give him a bucket despite several warnings he chunders mightily on the hospital floor.
03:40:  Happy that Jeroen is under care, Gustav claims the nearest bathroom for his own roaring purge session.

04:00:  Lurking through the dark hospital halls like a ghoul Gustav eventually finds Jeroen in a ward, with tubes running out of him like he’s plugged into some plastic matrix.  Gustav doesn’t like the sound of R1k dropping on the hospital bill and denies treatment, curling up on the floor next to Jeroen’s bed.
Jeroen is a great friend and hands him a pillow.

The rest of the story proceeds as expected, with several days of steady recovery needed by all parties before life returns to any semblance of normalcy.

Danie, the absolute mega-legend returned their climbing and camping gear a few days later after his Tafelberg trip.

A truly SWAK weekend, thanks to everyone involved – also, skip the bacon next time!