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Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:07 pm
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud and pronounced as it is. Add slight Chinese accent. For extra fun use a friend and role play!
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in a Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. - Roon sirbees.'
Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'
RS: 'Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'
G: 'Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs.'
RS: 'Ow July den?'
RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'
G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.'
RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'
G: 'Crisp will be fine.'
RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'
RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'
G: 'I don't think so.'
RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'
G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'
RS: 'Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'
G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'
RS: 'We bodder?'
G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'
RS: 'Wad! ?'
G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'
G: 'Excuse me?'
G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'
RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'
G: 'Whatever you say.'
G : 'You're very welcome.'
Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:58 pm
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK.."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:04 pm
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:39 pm
If men wrote advice columns...
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continuously asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than spending a few days away from home (plus it’s a great time to clean the house). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is for your and your best friend to perform oral sex on him, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it during your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at all times without any strings attached. What this probably means is that you do not love your husband as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you could make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I’m not sure I understand your problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 1:14 pm
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had
a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything
about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he
would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Johnnie”.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have perfect 20/20 vision."
"That's great...", said Little Johnnie,"because it would suck if he needed glasses".
Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:26 am
"You know it's love when you memorize her IP address to skip DNS overhead."
(Anon / Unknown )
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 11:37 am
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?
Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside.'
'Don't you start.'
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:32 pm
I don't condone smoking,drinking or eating chocolate this is just a joke I read.
'A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
First worm in alcohol-Dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke-Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive
So the minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:59 pm
'I Do What The Voices In My Wifes Head Tell Me To Do'
'Do Not Disturb Already Disturbed'
'Please don't loose your temper we don't have time to help you find it.'
'The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on'
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come
'A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing'
'I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers'
Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 6:02 pm
-> Dear Tech support,
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
> a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
> flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
> Boyfriend 5.0.
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
> such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
> undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
> crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
> problems, but to no avail.
> What can I do?
> Signed, Desperate
> DEAR DESPERATE,
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
> while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download
> Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
> application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
> the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
> But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
> 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please
> note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring
> Loudly Beta.
> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus
> in the background that will eventually seize control of all yoursystem
> resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program.
> These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
> limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
> consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
> We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
> Good Luck,
> Tech Support
Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:34 am
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:51 am
A blonde girl is on a four-engined plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom: "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they’ll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed three hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says: "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we’ll be up here all day."
Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:58 am
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p%ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I F*@# didn't."
Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:31 pm
Do yourself a favour and read the comments below the following article:
This IS the JOTD!
Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 9:01 am
Hahaha, that was quite funny. Not as funny as the [censored] joke about [censored], but funny. I'm glad people with that level of intellect aren't interested in venturing out of their back yards.
Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 6:09 pm
Number One Idiot of 2007
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
Number Two Idiot of 2007
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot of 2007
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a
few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
Number Four Idiot of 2007
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that;
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his
Number Five Idiot of 2007
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two
Idiot Number Six of 2007
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot Number Seven of 2007
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Idiot Number Eight of 2007
I live in a semi-rural area. (Weyauwega, Wisconsin) We recently had a
new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!
Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:46 pm
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, whichbore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?'; I asked.
He answered , 'In 1967. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-b1tch asked,
'What did you teach?'
Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 9:45 am
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He picks the least painful to spend his
He comes to the South African hell and finds that there is a long queue."
Amazed, he asks: "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair. Then they lay
you on a bed of nails. The South African devil comes in and whips you
for the rest of the day."
So he asks: "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why
are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because Eskom is struggling, there is never any electricity, so the
electric chair doesn't work. The nails were paid for but never
delivered, so the bed is comfortable. And the South African devil used
to be a civil servant. So he comes in, signs his time-sheet and goes
out to do his private business for the rest of the day."
Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 9:54 am
Free Tickets to Beijing Olympics
It's True !!!!!!
You get 8 tickets to all the events,
4 Hotel Rooms, Food, Car
Free Round Trip Airfare.
for 21 days in China ..
Answer the following questions to win tickets to the Olympic games.
1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?
Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 9:55 am
I guess you're not going to Beijing either.
Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 1:31 pm
Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Colin, wake up you drunk, your sh1tting in bed...!!!"
Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:25 am
A NSW bloke is drinking in a Brisbane Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. 'Well' he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical NSW baby boy weighing 25 pounds'.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the guy from the NSW just shrugs, 'That's about average down there. Like I said, my boy is a typical NSW boy.'
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of 'STREWTH' were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the NSW bloke returns to the bar. The bartender says 'You're the father of that typical NSW baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks; we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers: '17 pounds'. The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his Tooheys , wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ... 'Had to have him circumcised!'
Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 6:04 am
Murphy visits his mate Paddy who has broken his leg.
"Do you need anything?" asks Murphy.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and runs upstairs.
There Paddy's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are chatting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here ta shag ya both."
"Feck off, you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he calls down stairs,
"Both of dem,Paddy?"
"Of course, you git, what's the use of just fookin' one?"
Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:02 am
The husband must have arrived...
Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:13 am
Odd, those garage doors are...
Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:15 pm
Blonde walks into Absa in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checked out. Absa agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank Manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R5,000,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?' The blond replies ... 'Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Finally, a gifted blonde!!!!
Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:09 pm
Can you imagine working for a company/organization that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
373 in total or approximately 70%
Can you guess which organization this is?
Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 6:37 am
Sounds like parliament......
Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 10:14 am
Well done Emile, of course it is Parliament. I am not sure how correct these statistics are, but it would not surprise me.
Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 10:20 am
69.2638% of all statistics is pure thumb sucking