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Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 6:35 pm
Interview Blunders during the Beijing Olympics:
1. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
2. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
3. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
4. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the Cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... oh man, what have I just said?'
Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 7:03 pm
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1960's, 70's and 80's !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking!!!
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a Bakkie on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Steers, Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Chappies, Wilson 's Toffees, Wicks Bubble Gum and some crackers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on DSTV, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.......no really!
We were given pellet guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays!!
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade" and "Ridge" and "Vanilla"
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore
Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 2:25 pm
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
The Hair Cut
Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 8:48 am
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'
The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 1:13 pm
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most embarrassing moment in listener’s lives. The final four were:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy’s willie last night.’ After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled ‘SURPRISE’. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, “Price check for Tampax supersize.”
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word ‘Tampax’ for ‘Thumbtacks’ , and replied in a business like tone, his
voice booming over the same public address system: ‘Do you want the kind
you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, “If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?” The professor responded, yes, that’s correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat”.
Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:32 pm
So I stumbledUpon this T-shirt site... best T-shirts I've seen online
Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:41 pm
I also 'stumbled' across some on this site: http://www.tshirthell.com/
These guys are more inclined to use swear words, so if you are sensitive to seeing the f-word etc; stay away. There are some really funny stuff in between if you are willing to filter out some foul language though!!!
Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:44 am
A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place
my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
￼ The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
￼ The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
￼ A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
￼ A Blonde woman timidly
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:29 pm
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM . The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied, ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’
Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:42 am
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" The woman responded "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper"
Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 2:00 pm
How do these people survive?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or
12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(I'm gona try this.....)
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put
her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the
cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she
could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key
and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk..'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned
to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine
paper, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency
room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should
be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer.....'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
I'm speechless....honestly (shoot her please!!!)
Life is tough... it's tougher if you're stupid
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:18 am
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night.
Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:33 pm
haha, but if Daryl kissed back, then Frank would have been back to square one.
Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:15 am
@OneDog: Where've you been hiding? Did you finally get your just-desserts for all those sexist jokes?
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Helen, it's the Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Auckland has burned to the ground. It is estimated the the entire New Zealand supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.!!!'
PM: 'Damn - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!'
Health Minister: 'We're going to have to ship some in from... Britain ?...'
PM: 'No chance!! The Poms will have a field day on this one!'
Health Minister: 'What about South Africa ?'
PM: 'I'll call them and say we need one million condoms; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'
Three days later a delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds one million condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........
'MADE IN SOUTH AFRICA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:34 am
What's the definition of an optimist?
An investment banker who irons 5 shirts on Sunday
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:17 am
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a! genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done,"the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:22 am
@Nic - hi there! Have to admit I had to look up just-deserts
, sounded kinky enough, but no, I did not (yet)
Been busy, new job, staying in a new place & all that.
PS: They say that when you're looking for your wife-to-be, you should check that she has small feet, that way she can stand closer to the sink....
[OneDog is wearing bulletproof jacket, just in case]
Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:54 am
Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 9:19 pm
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the
hole in it.
He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began
Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could
identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'
Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 10:17 am
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was extremely hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot in this hard earth. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later Papa received a postcard from his son:
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love to you,
Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 9:57 am
Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:10 am
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
Posted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 10:02 pm
I was at my bank today.
There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me-- an Asian lady who
was trying to exchange yen for rands. It was obvious she was a little
irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his
shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 11:09 am
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is pretty excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that redhead barmaid at the pub?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your mother!"
"I sure did, dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer
Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 2:21 pm
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?' The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!' 'OK,' said the old Jewish man,' it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.' Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your *&^%$ brother won't let me in without a tie!'
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:33 pm
Quote of the day:
'The financial situation at the moment is so bad that women are now marrying for love'
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 4:01 pm
Mind if I have a go at this?
At last: truth in advertising.
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 9:17 pm
Hann wrote:Mind if I have a go at this?
There are rules.
1: No Blue bulls, Stormers, Sharks, Lions, etc. I'll send you video clip depicting "why" if you really need to know.
2: Don't you dare clip a bolt where there's a remote chance of tradding it.
3: Don't you dare scar the rock with your nuts, cams, pitons or whatchemecallits where there are bolts.
4: Don't date your bookkeeper.
5: No tied-up-chick-pics
6: Luckily your post did not involve Black Label - dire consequences...........
7: Don't be one of those asses in the "blue light brigades". - worse than dire consequences.......
8: Don't chalk up IP beneath an eagles nest. Uncool. In need of attention. ((Four-popped-collar-cool)^-10)-1000
9: We'll need to determine your nationality as well as MCSA affiliations as you may only post in accordance with preset quotas.
10: "Fire all of your guns at once at once and explode into space" (Born to be wild) - in which case you'll not need to post anymore...
Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 10:31 am
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone. Don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out on someone you don't know!
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f--k ing
number and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!'
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills or was having a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program for your telephone service?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said 'That's because you're an
asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been
waiting for that parking spot, but the idiot ignored me. Then I
noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number
on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, ' When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow
ranch house and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well , asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way
over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of cops, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
You know, this anger management stuff really works.
Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 9:10 am
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, F#ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'