JOTD

How did that route get that name? Jokes. Funny bits. Crag humour.
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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu Nov 27, 2008 9:33 pm

Piet goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Piet said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
Piet replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Piet. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
Then Piet looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Fri Nov 28, 2008 10:44 am

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


(Hoe's die oog brolloks? Swelsel al af, of lag jy nie meer vir die jokes nie? :lol: )

brolloks
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Re: JOTD

Post by brolloks » Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:36 pm

> > A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
> > says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
> >
> and
>
> > I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
> >
> > 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
> >
> > 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
> > 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
> > your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
> >
> > Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
> > they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
> >
> > She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
> > getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
> > my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
> > a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
> >
> > The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife smiling.
> > 'Okay love,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying
> > their own way.'


(nee 1d, eks nou fine... ek kon binne die eerste week weer begin sien... en toe ek finally my valstande opspoor daar by die agterdeur, kon ek die huis verlaat...sien, ek wil nie gesien word sonder tande nie, eks bang die mense kom iets agter...sy't gesê dat niemand mag uitvind nie...maar dis maar moeilik om uit die spotlig te bly met albei my arms in gips... eks eintlik sooo dankbaar, want die keer het sy darem toegeggee dat die bediende vir my 'selfhelp' gips by die apteek kon gaan kry het... sjoe, eks nou moeg getik met die potlood in my mond...eina, daar steek ek myself raak met die punt...in die lip...)
:silent:

:pale:

ek moet gaan...


8)
you have one mouth, two ears. listen more...

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Mon Dec 01, 2008 9:09 am

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed . Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:47 am

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *+%$**£" crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... "we have lived happily every after."

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Fri Dec 05, 2008 10:23 am

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris
would say, ʽEsther,Iʼd like to ride in that helicopter.ʼ

Esther always replied, ʽI know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and
fifty dollars is fifty dollarsʼ
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ʽEsther, Iʼm 85 years
old. If I donʼt ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.ʼ
To this, Esther replied, ʽMorris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is
fifty dollars.ʼ
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ʽFolks Iʼll make you a deal. Iʼll take the both
of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I wonʼt
charge you! But if you say one word, itʼs fifty dollars.ʼ
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not
a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ʽBy golly, I did everything I could
to get you to yell out, but you didnʼt. Iʼm impressed!ʼ
Morris replied, ʽWell, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!ʼ

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Mon Dec 08, 2008 2:54 pm

Audi driver......

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 quid an hour"
"Is goot" says the German, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Dec 09, 2008 12:11 pm

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy? He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:02 am

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! this American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:08 am

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a R5 coin piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for SARS."

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:22 am

<OneDog puts on the bullet proof jacket> :eye:

Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

:mrgreen:

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Jan 14, 2009 12:37 pm

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. .............' Get your own f**king blanket.' After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.

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CragRat
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Re: JOTD

Post by CragRat » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:38 pm

SNORT did not chip on TM :lol:

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Fri Jan 16, 2009 11:16 am

Jokes making the rounds in Russia & the Ukraine on the back of the gas supply crisis : (from news24)

"
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and Belarussian President Alexander Lukashenko are roasting Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko on a skewer.

Lukashenko asks: "Vladimir Vladimirovich, why are you turning the skewer so quickly? He won't be cooked well enough."

Putin: "Hmmm. When I rotate it slowly, he steals the coal." "

Sounds familiar - sorta like our politicians? :lol:

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Jan 21, 2009 7:57 am

My apologies to the ladies in advance...... :oops:


On a flight to Johannesburg, the plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wingis struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the frontof the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well,if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Isthere anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of theplane. Then a farmer from the Free State stands up in the rear of the plane. Heis handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Hestarts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time........No one moves..................He removes his shirt..............Tanned muscles ripple across his chest..........She gasps...................He whispers................. 'Iron this...then get me a beer.'

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justin
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Re: JOTD

Post by justin » Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:03 am

Quotes from the Edinburgh Festival

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be shitting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time..
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly
Climb ZA - Administrator
justin@climbing.co.za

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:35 am

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Motrin is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Adrian20971
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Re: JOTD

Post by Adrian20971 » Wed Jan 28, 2009 4:44 pm

The most powerful politician in the world is black.
The best golfer in the world is black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is black.
..... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Mon Feb 02, 2009 7:41 am

Definitions 2009

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and leaves.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SINBAD
Single working girls, i.e. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'Reply All').

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually bugger all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female.

PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

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Gustav
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Re: JOTD

Post by Gustav » Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:26 pm

TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
In Afrikaans we say: "SLETSOP" !!!
Gustav
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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Mon Feb 02, 2009 2:32 pm

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep..

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2)Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3)Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:30 pm

Afrikaanse Fairy Tale



Een dag, lank, lank gelede was daar 'n Vrou wat nie vol kak was nie....


Maar dit was FOKKEN lank gelede. EN dit was ook net daai een dag.

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu Feb 05, 2009 8:30 am

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

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XMod
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Re: JOTD

Post by XMod » Thu Feb 05, 2009 1:08 pm

Ok this not really a joke and its a bit sick and corny;

I was just reading the report about the raging fires in the 'Brandwag' area of the Southern Cape...
I guess the wait is over?

brolloks
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Re: JOTD

Post by brolloks » Thu Feb 05, 2009 1:54 pm

oh boy, you huys crack me up!!!! :lol:

@xmod: not bad for a soutie...

and yo! 1d!

talking about sick and corny...sorry in advance:

how does a blind parachutist know he's close to the ground?
the guidedog's leash becomes slack...

...um...


8)
you have one mouth, two ears. listen more...

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:29 pm

yo yo yo mr brolloks! Whats new & exciting?

This guy's parents had a sick sense of humor.......

"What's a worse name than Mike Hunt ?"
Mike.jpg
Mike.jpg (21.77 KiB) Viewed 6445 times
"Yep, that's worse"

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:13 am

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ...... it's male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ...... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ....... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ...... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ...... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ...... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often.... you're oversexed.. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

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Gustav
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Location: Waterval Boven

Re: JOTD

Post by Gustav » Fri Feb 13, 2009 8:14 am

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Cape Town.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to
ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes she did.'

'Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because
kulula.com always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to
explain that one to you!'
Gustav
Roc 'n Rope Adventures
Waterval Boven
+27 13 120 4600
climb @t rocrope dot com

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emile
Posts: 868
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:08 am

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next !'

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emile
Posts: 868
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Feb 24, 2009 3:53 pm

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a-head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital where they gave him a laxative. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

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