JOTD

How did that route get that name? Jokes. Funny bits. Crag humour.
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African Climber
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Re: JOTD

Post by African Climber » Wed Feb 25, 2009 4:14 pm

I'm sending you a poem to make your Wednesday Afternoon.







A Lovely Arab poem.





?? ??????? ?????? ??? ????? ??????? ???? ????? ???????? ? ?????????

??? ???ام ملكي ??رلماني. الملك منص??ه فخري و رن و واحد??يس الوزراء ه الحاكم الفعلي لل??لاد. ال??رلمان الإس??اني مقسم الى مجلسين واحد للأعيا وعدد أعضاء ي??ل عين و واحد للنوا?? و عدد نتا??ج الانتخا??ات نا????. نتا??ج الانتخا??ات الأخير م??ا??رة من أص??حت ال??ع??سنوات، ??ينما كل سنوات، ??ينما يعين عنتخا??اتضو من مجلس ا ال??ع?? أيضاً. ر??يس الوزراء و الوزراءيتم ماعية و تعيينهمللأعيان



Beautiful isn't it?







I almost cried where it said: ق?ل ال?رلمان اعتماداً على نتا?ج

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:59 pm

When do the Chinese have elections?

Just befole bleakfast!

Marshall1
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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Thu Feb 26, 2009 9:49 pm

PETROL IN POFFADDER.


Van has a Petrol station in Poffadder and was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Séx with every Fill-Up."
Soon Koos pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free séx Van told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free séx Koos guessed 8 and Van said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No séx this time."

A week later, Koos along with his buddy Frikkie, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free séx Van again asked him to guess the correct number. He guessed 2 this time. Van said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free séx this time."

As they were driving away, Koos said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free séx "

Frikkie replied, "Nooooit, it are not rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Marshall1
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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Fri Feb 27, 2009 7:44 pm

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Larry Thomas
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Re: JOTD

Post by Larry Thomas » Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:48 pm

WOMEN EXPLAINED....
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Nic Le Maitre
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Re: JOTD

Post by Nic Le Maitre » Mon Mar 02, 2009 12:53 pm

@Larry. Correction "money is the root of all evil" therefore women = evil :thumleft:

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater
Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
Happy climbing
Nic

Marshall1
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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Wed Mar 04, 2009 1:55 pm

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w-anking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"



I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?



When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.



A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."
"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."


Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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justin
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Re: JOTD

Post by justin » Wed Mar 04, 2009 5:38 pm

South African Law

Two recent court cases have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa:
1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV licence.
2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.

The moral of this South African story:
If you do not have a TV licence and the inspector comes round, kill him.
You'll save R500.
..It's the Right Thing To Do....
(the SA TV License Dept motto for those of you who don’t live here)
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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:22 am

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter .

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

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Nic Le Maitre
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Re: JOTD

Post by Nic Le Maitre » Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:50 am

A politically correct version of the battle at Trafalgar:
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knots speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy

AND SADLY THAT JUST ABOUT SUMS IT ALL UP !!
Happy climbing
Nic

Marshall1
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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Thu Mar 26, 2009 1:09 pm

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new BAKKIE!

Marshall1
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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Fri Mar 27, 2009 7:22 am

Never Argue with a Woman




One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'


'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.


'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

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Nic Le Maitre
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Re: JOTD

Post by Nic Le Maitre » Tue Mar 31, 2009 8:00 pm

A letter home from a Free State farm kid, doing basic training in the Army

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell my boetie Wouter and my other boetie Koos that being in the Army. Beats working for Oom Piet by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before
maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am now starting to enjoying sleeping late.

Tell Wouter and Koos all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some thing. No varke to feed, no cows to milk, no mampoer to mix or braai wood to split. Practically nothing. Manne get to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on fruit juice, pap, eggs, bacon, etc, but short on steaks, boerewors, chops, potatoes and other regular food like vetkoek.

But tell my boeties you can always sit between two dorpies that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

These city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Sersant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our postbox at home. Then the dorpies from the city get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

This next will kill my boeties with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a dassie's head and doesn't move at all. And it isn't shooting back at you like those bliksemse Venter boys from the next door plaas. All you have to do is lie there all rustig like and hit it. You don't even have to make your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with the dorpies from the city. I have to be really careful though, they break real easy. It's not like fighting with Swart Duivel our old bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this platoon except for that Groot Jan Jordaan from somewhere in the Noord Transvaal. He joined the same time as me. But I am only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he is 6'8 and weighs over 300 pounds, dry.

Be sure to tell my boeties to hurry and join before other okes find out about the Army setup and come stampeding in!

Your loving daughter,

Ester
Happy climbing
Nic

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:56 am

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...............


That was me.'

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Fri Apr 03, 2009 4:12 pm

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Lourens
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Re: JOTD

Post by Lourens » Sat Apr 04, 2009 5:03 pm

BREAKING NEWS

The worst airdisaster in Irish history took place yesterday when a two seater Cessnaplane crashed into an Irish cemetary.Irish police confirmed that they have so far recocvered 1806 bodies and they expect the bodycount to rise as furher diggings continue.

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:47 am

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:08 am

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

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emile
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Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:03 pm

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

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justin
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Re: JOTD

Post by justin » Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:55 pm

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
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Marshall1
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Re: JOTD

Post by Marshall1 » Wed Apr 08, 2009 3:41 pm

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses...

No, but I told a donkey to fu*k off once.

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Nic Le Maitre
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Re: JOTD

Post by Nic Le Maitre » Thu Apr 09, 2009 8:33 am

Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it... Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Happy climbing
Nic

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justin
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Re: JOTD

Post by justin » Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:20 pm

Malema threatens university

When Jacob Zuma comes to power, lecturers and managers will be replaced at the University of Cape Town because it remains a hotbed of counter-revolutionaries, says ANC Youth League president Julius Malema.
"Forces that are opposed to our revolution are still here. We must change the management of this university and also the lecturers.

"We are in a political laboratory, never blame us if we make mistakes, we are (just) learning," said Malema.

Full report on iol.co.za

Below: Julius Malema’s matric results
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M@
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Real Name: Mathieu Schneuwly
Location: Cape Town

Re: JOTD

Post by M@ » Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:52 pm

Image

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emile
Posts: 868
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Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:27 am

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"

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polkadot
Posts: 84
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 5:56 pm

Re: JOTD

Post by polkadot » Wed Apr 22, 2009 3:30 pm

The Inland Revenue Service decides to audit Gramps, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Gramps showed up with his
attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-
time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,' says Gramps. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Gramps says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Gramps removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Gramps says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Gramps isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Gramps removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Gramps' attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Gramps asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so
he agrees again.
Gramps stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Gramps' own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Gramps told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that
he could come in here and pee all over your desk - and that you'd be
happy about it!'

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justin
Posts: 3889
Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:31 am
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Location: Montagu/Cape Town
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Re: JOTD

Post by justin » Thu May 07, 2009 10:13 am

MOTHERS DAY 10th May 2009


25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me.."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Climb ZA - Administrator
justin@climbing.co.za

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emile
Posts: 868
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu May 07, 2009 10:18 am

Confessions of a hooker

A couple was lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She says 'I don't think you understand, my name was Tom and I played rugby for Wales ...

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emile
Posts: 868
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:41 am
Real Name: OneDog

Re: JOTD

Post by emile » Thu May 07, 2009 11:00 am

Vaseline

Wayne wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,

And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

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justin
Posts: 3889
Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:31 am
Real Name: Justin Lawson
Location: Montagu/Cape Town
Contact:

Re: JOTD

Post by justin » Fri May 08, 2009 10:52 am

IRONY AT IT’S BEST

- 90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

- A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.
Climb ZA - Administrator
justin@climbing.co.za

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