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Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2014 5:16 pm
- 40 Worst Book Covers and Titles Ever
If you get offended by fat jokes, you need to lighten up.
Your kid is running around the store screaming and annoying everyone and I'm the asshole for tripping him?
The cops caught me chasing some long legged bird through the park. I've been charged with storking.
I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.
Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2014 3:47 pm
Found this one online...
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2014 6:00 pm
The wife of a computer programmer sends her husband to the shops. She gives him the following instructions: "buy bread, if they have eggs, buy 12"
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2014 6:46 pm
public class ComputerJokes;
public static void main String (args)
Some cool computer programming jokes:
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
["hip","hip"] (for those who don't get it: its a hip, hip array)
Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
How to catch an Elephant in the Africa
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.
Windows logic: Keyboard not found ... press F1 to continue
Q: What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?
A: The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters
Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2014 5:03 pm
Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2014 10:38 pm
The Guinness Book of Records is so unfair - they refuse to recognise me as having the largest collection of air guitars on earth...
A recent study suggests that 38.72% of what is on the internet is made up - including this statistic.
Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2014 9:42 pm
Little Jonny visits grandma. He is so well behaved that she gives him a bar of chocolate. Jonny gets home and his mother tells him that he must share, and takes half the bar away to give to his sister. Now you understand how tax works...
Q: How do you know that an accountant is on leave?
A: They come into work after 8AM wearing casual clothes
Q: Why do accountants like saturdays?
A: They can leave work before 10PM
A wise man once said: "Accountants aren't boring people - they just get excited over boring things"
A person's justification for an unusual tax deduction: "I'm claiming my 82 inch LED TV off my tax - its completely business related, people keep saying I don't see the big picture"
Q: Why did the article clerk cross the road
A: Because the looked in last years file, and that is what they did last year
Q: Why did the article clerk get run over while crossing the road?
A: Article clerks always fail to reperform the risk assessments
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." - Albert Einstein
Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:16 am
Love the French Coffee one
Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2014 1:36 pm
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I once took the pee out of a pirate. He was furious!
Why doesn't the word "Phonetically" start with a "F"?
Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2014 1:48 pm
Pirate: What be your next orders?
Pirate: But what be your next orders?
Pirate: I hear ya, but what be your next orders?
Captain: Get your English right, what ARE your next orders...
Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 2:29 pm
Pollen! Death Star?
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 11:35 am
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 1:54 pm
Justin wrote:Pollen! Death Star?
If you suffer with hayfever they are just about the same thing!
Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 8:48 pm
May your jugs be filled with eggs
Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:46 am
Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 8:01 am
Introducing Oscar's new drinking game - every time someone goes to the bathroom they take 4 shots...
Posted: Wed May 14, 2014 4:09 pm
Husband’s text message
Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking x-rays. The blow to my head was very strong, fortunately it did not cause any serious injury. But I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in my left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.
Posted: Thu May 15, 2014 10:30 am
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing!.
A husband and wife were having a knock-down drag-out fight. The husband, fed up, shouts at his wife: Just once I wish you'd admit that I'm right! The wife hollers back: Just once, I wish you'd admit that you're wrong!
"Fine!" the husband says, throwing his hands up in the air. "I'm wrong!"
Looking smugly at him, the wife crosses her arms over her chest and says: "Whatd'ya know? Finally, something you're right about!”
Two newly weds were discussing how many kids they will have.
He: We will have two kids.
She: I want three kids.
He: No, I will have vasectomy after the second one.
She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own.
My wife left me because of all the overtime I've been doing as a security guard at the airport. As she walked out, I said: "Did you pack your own bags?”
A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!”
A husband and wife are driving down the road in a sullen mood after they've just had a terrible fight, when they are pulled over by a police officer.
The officer walks up to the driver's side window where the husband is sitting, and says, "Sir, do you have any idea why I pulled you over today?"
The husband says, "I haven't a clue."
"You were going about fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit."
The husband appears shocked. "Oh my, I had no idea what the speed limit was on this road! I'm so sorry!"
At this point, the wife leans in and says, "Honey, please. You drive this road every day, you know perfectly well what the speed limit is."
The husband frowns at his wife, but says nothing.
The officer continues, "I also noticed that your tail light was out."
The husband looks over his shoulder in surprise, as if examining the light himself. "Is it really? I had no idea! I'll need to get that fixed, thank you sir."
His wife turns to him again. "That's what you told the last policeman who pulled you over!"
The husband turns to her and grumbles, "Would you please be quiet?"
The officer takes a closer look at the husband. "I see that your seat belt isn't fastened. Care to explain that?"
"Oh," the husband replies with a charming smile. "I only just unfastened it so that I could reach for my wallet to get you my driver's license, officer."
The wife lets out an amused chuckle. "I haven't seen you wear a seatbelt in years, dear!"
Finally, her husband turns to her and barks, "For the love of God woman, would you shut up!?"
The officer addresses the wife with concern. "M'am, does your husband speak to you this way often?"
She leans toward the officer as if to confide in him, and says, "Only when he's been drinking."
Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 12:17 pm
That awkward moment when you have to ask a bookkeeper why they allocated their boss' salary in the books to "tools"
Posted: Tue May 20, 2014 12:45 pm
Yesterday, a smelly smouldering stick was handed to me. I was incensed.
I'll never forget what my Dad said to me when I first left home.
"If at first you don't succeed, don't even think about moving back in here."
I once took the pee out of a pirate. He was furious!
All generalisations are bad.
I feel like I'm cheating when I search for a new laptop on my current one.
Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George."
The other replies, "Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur."
I tried to socialise with a group of dolphins, but they were too clicky.
I never know whether to be angry or impressed when I can't get the lid off a tube of superglue.
Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 8:01 am
Quote from a book from 1913: "Geology consists of stones and dirt. The large stones are known as mountains. Mountains are of little value, being exceedingly primitive and rudely built. Their chief use is for climbing. The only practical result from climbing a mountain is to climb down again. Those who climb mountains for sport are known as mountaineers. Those who descend are known as survivors. There are also professional survivors known as guides."
Posted: Fri May 23, 2014 11:43 am
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 8:07 am
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 8:51 am
Table Mountain is for sale, hopefully the MCSA can put in an offer quick
The advert can be seen on Gumtree: http://www.gumtree.co.za/a-garden-furni ... 0009784109
Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 11:06 am
From News24 today:
Zuma put up for sale in ad - report
Johannesburg - President Jacob Zuma was put up for sale in a tongue-in-cheek advert on classifieds website Gumtree, The Star reported on Monday.
The advert was posted by "Average Joe" on Thursday but disappeared soon afterwards, the publication reported.
It featured Zuma's picture, with the price set as "negotiable".
"Desperately in need of a functioning president. This one costs too much to maintain, will take what we can get at the moment, just make an offer," read the message accompanying the picture.
The advert said further that the seller was willing to "swap for smarter/cheaper model" but would not entertain offers from chancers - "only bar-code ID or TAX payers please".
Presidential spokesperson Mac Maharaj told the publication he had not seen the advert and would not be able to comment.
Gumtree spokesperson Estelle Nigel reportedly told mybroadband that the online buying and selling platform could not be used to sell humans.
"We encourage users to only upload advertisements that offer legitimate goods and services (or requests for the aforementioned)," the publication quoted her as saying.
Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 11:36 am
Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 10:29 am
Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:45 am
I've just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer , I don't know what he's laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I like to freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
I met this girl on-line who said she had a body built for sin... unfortunately, that sin was gluttony.
If I was rich and bored, I would hire private detectives to follow each other.
Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2014 10:56 am
Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 3:49 pm