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Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 9:00 am
by emile
The doctor said, \"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.\"

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, \"That's what I need... a new
suit.\" He entered the shop and told the salesman, \"I'd like a new suit.\"

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , \"Let's see... size 44 long.\"
Joe laughed, \"That's right, how did you know?\"
\"Been in the business 60 years!\" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, \"How about a new shirt?\" Joe thought for a moment and then said, \"Sure.\"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, \"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.\"
Joe was surprised, \"That's right, how did you know?
\"Been in the business 60 years.\"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, \"How about some new underwear?\" Joe thought for a moment and said, \"Sure.\"

The salesman said, \"Let's see... size 36.\"

Joe laughed, \"Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.\" The salesman shook his head, \"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.\"

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 10:51 am
by emile
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.

\"You bet,\" said the first bloke, \"as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!\"

\"What's the rush?\" his mate asked.

\"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me,\" the bloke replied.

Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:00 am
by emile
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

\"Ladies, exercise is good for you,\" announced the teacher. \"Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!\"

The room was very quiet. Finally, Larry, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

\"Yes?\" asked the instructor.

\"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?\"

Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 12:21 pm
by justin
10 Reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are the more exited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice when you call them by another dogs name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog- they are ready 24/7.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you at night to ask \"If I die will you get another
9. A dog likes to ride on the back of a bakkie.
10. Lastly, if a dog leaves he won't take half of your stuff.

Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 1:46 pm
by emile
One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, \"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.\"
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, \"What are you going to do with all that money?\"

\"Vell,\" said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, \"Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!\"

Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 7:48 am
by emile
What's the difference between an oral & rectal thermometer?

The taste....

Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 7:58 am
by emile
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm
gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 8:51 am
by emile
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. \"Tie me up,\" she purred, \"and you can do anything you want.\"

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:04 pm
by polkadot
Spietcop stop vir Gatiep en wil hom beboet oor 1 hooflig wat dood is.
Gatiep se: Nei my lanie! Dis load shedding, ek sit later die anner enetjie aan!

Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:55 pm
by Marshall
An Israeli doctor says : \"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.\" !
A British doctor says: \"That is nothing, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
A Canadian doctor says: \"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.\"
A Zimbabwean doctor: not to be outdone, says: \"You guys are way
behind, We just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 10:48 am
by polkadot
> A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
> In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
> questioning Seamus.
> 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the
> accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
> Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what
> happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow,
> Bessie, into the...'
> 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor
> interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not
> say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
> Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the
> trailer and I was driving down the road....'
> The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your
> Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at
> the scene of the accident, this man told the police
> on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks
> after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I
> believe he is a fraud.
> Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
> Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like
> to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
> Bessie'.
> Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I
> was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite
> cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the
> road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a
> stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I
> was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
> the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't
> want to move.
> However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and
> groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by
> her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman
> on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie
> moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
> he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out
> his gun and shot her between the eyes.
> Then the policeman came across the road, gun still
> in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you
> feeling?'
> 'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 7:53 am
by emile
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, \"Do you know me?\" to which she replies, \"I think you're the father of one of my kids\".

Now his mind races.

He racks his brain and travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, \"O no!!!!! Are you the stripper from Fred's stag night that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery???\"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, \"No, I'm your son's Grade 3 teacher\"


Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 9:01 pm
by RobT
Justin wrote:10 Reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are the more exited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice when you call them by another dogs name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog- they are ready 24/7.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you at night to ask "If I die will you get another
9. A dog likes to ride on the back of a bakkie.
10. Lastly, if a dog leaves he won't take half of your stuff.
11. Dogs don't go ballistic when you sell their offspring
12. Dogs like rough play - the rougher you play the more they like it
13. You don't need a dog licence, but you do need a marriage licence
14. If you smell like another dog, they just think it is interesting.
15. If they find you with another dog they will just play with both of you.

Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 11:42 am
by emile
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, \"Make the entire ocean into beer!\" The genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: \"Nice going idiot!Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!\"

Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:19 am
by Marshall
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, \"I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?\"

The man replied, \"That first coffin is for my wife.\"\"What happened to her?\" \"My dog attacked and killed her.\" \"Well, who is in the second coffin?\" \"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.\"

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.Then the first one asks in excitement, \"Can I borrow the dog?\"

The man replied, \"Join the queue.\"

Lost in translation

Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:06 am
by emile
I was at my bank today.
There was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me.
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
Its was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller,\" Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,\"Fluctuations.\"
The Asian lady says,\"Fluc you white people,too!

Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 7:29 pm
by Marshall
Why did the chicken cross the road?

ESKOM: I do not care as long as he saved 10% electricity crossing the road.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
JAN F.E. CELLIERS: Dis die hoender, dis die pad, dis al.
NATANIEL: Ek was vreeslik op my nerves vir sy part tot hy anderkant gekom het. Ek dink dit was stunning.
NAAS BOTHA: Aan die einde van die dag maak dit nie saak hoeveel Keer hy oor die straat is nie. Wat saak maak, is die telbord.
NELSON MANDELA: It was his long walk to freedom. A true Rainbow chicken.
PIETER-DIRK UYS: Was dit 'n he-chicken of 'n she-chicken? Does it Pik?
ALLAN BOESAK: How can the motives of a chicken who had done so much for chickenhood be questioned? It must have \"struggled\" to cross the road.
DULLA OMAR: I am sure the chicken is innocent. He did what he did because of the apartheid legacy.
NGCONDE BALFOUR: The government will ensure that a fair quota of black chickens cross the road as well. Why should black chickens remain on this side of the road? I only watch black chickens crossing the road anyway...
TREVOR MANUEL: Makes me think: we don't tax chickens crossing roads yet....
VAN SCHALKWYK: Let's join the chicken and cross the road!
TONY LEON: No matter where the chicken goes, we have the guts to fight back.
DESMOND TUTU: We should have crossed the road with him. Together we will make a difference
THABO MBEKI: I don't really have an opinion about this...
MARK SHUTTLEWORTH: I would have paid a million to see the chicken cross the road!
MUGABE: Stop that chicken! It must be repossessed together with the farm it belongs to. And the farm on the opposite side of the road, where iIt was going, and all the chickens on both farms. Repossess it all. And it's nobody's business what I do in my country. It is Britain 's fault for bringing chickens here anyway.
JACOB ZUMA: The showers were across the road
MANTO: Whish schicken (hic!) - I saw many shikkins

Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 8:32 pm
by Gustav

That will rid you of some of your boredom for an hour or so...

Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:18 pm
by emile
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she make! s


1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:18 am
by shorti
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
\"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet\" \"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee\".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
\"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. \"Eees a bacon tree\".
\"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget\"
\"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree\".
And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
\"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree\" \"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
\"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Eees a Ham Bush.

Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 8:10 am
by emile
Irish Blond
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES,


She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other

dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other

answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


Not all Irish are stupid; not all blonde's are dumb; but all men are men.

Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 8:11 am
by emile
Just to even out the previous male bashing joke:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:22 pm
by emile
Jis, this forum is dead as disco today - seems even the porn posters are taking a break......

I'm feeling brave today, so here goes:

How many men does it take to change the light bulb in the kitchen? None - let her cook in the dark.


Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:07 pm
by brolloks
bad joke...


ps. the wife knows who brolloks is... i said the above for her bennefit...

hey my main man!

the forum is so deathly still because i'm tired of people calling me names, its like entering a war zone when you say someting like' hey, i don't want to see your crack up close, no wonder you guys don't have enough belayers', or '8a, you smell', or 'your mothers' cat', an' stuff like that...


at least you're out there, dog, unafraid... proudly and bravely taking on, um, the universe and stuff...

no jokes to add though, i'm pretty boring, i know... can't wait for the weekend and the climbing to begin!

peace 1dog!


and just for fun: :puker:
no offense, i'm just so proud...

Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:22 pm
by emile
hey! Mr B - long time. If the wife gets to read your posts you should shorten the chain in the kitchen ( OneDog dodges, lives to finish the post ) :P

I'm just itching to leave work as well, I've got gear again and I'm sooooo keen.

B.t.w. I think that \"other\" chick
got a hold of 8a, locked him up and made him her sex slave - that's why he's been so quiet lately.

Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:49 am
by emile
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Sri Lankan
Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said “Give me Liberty , or give me Death”?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had
his hand up:
“Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.

“Very good!”

Who said ” A Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “**** the Indians,”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
“General Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said
Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts
to the teacher , “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little sh!t. If
you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ” Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, “Oh sh!t, we’re f#cked!”

And Chandrasekhar said quietly,

Robert Mugabe to his cabinet at the declaration of the presidential election results-April 2008.

Crocodile Blondee

Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 11:28 am
by emile
A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle on prices\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free\"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, \"Little lady, just go and give it a try\"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank,

watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out.......


Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 12:04 pm
by emile
What's the difference between a Jazz musician & a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.


What's the difference between a pizza and an engineering degree?
Girls like pizza.


Did you hear about the jazz muso who won the lottery?
Friend: \"So what are you going to do now that you won the lottery?
Jazz muso: \"Oh, I'll just keep playing till the money runs out\"

Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 10:38 am
by emile
Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Jane says she’ll go out, but doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it’s an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses, as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, “Why the black panties?” She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”

The following night the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit…. except that he has a black condom over his erection.

She looks at him and asks, “What’s with the black condom?”
He replies, “I want to offer my deepest condolences

Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:05 pm
by polkadot
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores. \"Not yet,\" said the little boy. His
mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. \"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?\" he asks. \"Well,\" his mother says, \"I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk.\"

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as
he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with
a smile, and says, \"Are you going to tell him, or should I?