JOTD

[Justin]

[Justin]

Choices...

[Ghaznavid]

The latest phishing email:

“Dear Mr. Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance."

[hendriks]

The forum has been bleddie serious lately. What happened to all the funny ou's?


A golfer hit his ball into a garden next to the golf course.

As he went to get it, the home owner said: "Don't you see the sign? It
says 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer replied: "I'm sorry, I didn't see it. That's my ball over
there. May I have it, please?"

The man said: "It's in my garden and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looked at the him and said: "I think I understand."

He walked back to the golf cart, got another golf ball, then walked
back and threw it into the garden.

The home owner asked: "Now what did you do that for?"

The golfer replied:
"I consider myself a gentleman, and I
believe every prick should have two balls."

[mokganjetsi]

The latest phishing email:

“Dear Mr. Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance."

[/quote
Yup looks totally legit. Spelling mostly good. Story plausible. Bring. Him. Home.

[emile]

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14...14...14"

[Ghaznavid]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep s***, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

[Justin]

Facebook 'real'

[Justin]

A tough old sheep farmer from northern England gave some advice to his granddaughter back at the start of the Great War in 1914.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her breakfast every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 109.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[emile]

One for Hann

Hann Solo.jpg (16.08 KiB) Viewed 18422 times

[Justin]

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

How many Amish people does it take to change a candle?

I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" "Hell, I know the whole alphabet.", I shouted. Everyone laughed... Well.. except this one guy.

Politicians are like sperm. Only one in a million turns out to be a human being.

Just replaced my shoelaces with earphones.
Now they knot themselves.

[Justin]

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken stopped him and said ...
Don't do it mate, you will never hear the end of it!! ...

[mattb595]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9SiRNi ... r_embedded

[Justin]

I am unsure in which thread this belongs

[Justin]

#USelections

[Justin]

Anyone know when Samuel L. Jackson will be arriving?

[supersmeda]

Hilarious!!! How to be a climber:

[Justin]

[Justin]

[TristanM]

[Ghaznavid]

A teacher was explaining ambiguity to her class. She asked the class to identify every possible meaning of the phrase "I saw a man on a hill with a telescope"

Lucy said "it could mean that you looked out of your window with a telescope and saw a man standing on a hill"
James said "it could mean that you stood on a hill and looked through a telescope and saw a man"
Bella said "it could mean that you saw a man using a telescope while he was standing on a hill"
Steve said "it could mean that you were standing on a hill and could see a man using a telescope"

"Great answers, kids. As you can see, there are four different ways this sentence could be interpreted" the teacher replied.

At this moment, Little Jonny put his hand up and said "miss, they left out one."
"No" the teacher replied, "there are only four different meanings".
"I disagree", Little Jonny replied "it could also mean that you used a telescope to saw a man in half".
______________________________

An oldie - George W Bush was talking to grade 2 class, trying to explain what a tragedy is. He then asked the class for examples.

Olivier said "if my best friend was hit by a car, that would be a tragedy"
Bush replied "no, that would just be an accident"
Mark said "if a school bus fell off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy"
Bush replied "no, that would just be a great loss"

There was silence.

After about a minute, little Jonny put his hand up and said "if a plane with you in it crashed, that would be a tragedy"
Bush replied "good example, and why would that be a tragedy?"
Little Jonny replied "because it wouldn't be an accident or a great loss"

[Justin]

Stunt Monkey is at it again - Another first for the monkey, this time conquering the climb 'Wonderland' @ Narrowneck in the Blue Mountains, Australia - Grade 20 - Free solo

[Ghaznavid]

What happens when you take a kiddies song about counting, and censor out the word "count"? The answer is rather amusing.

[Justin]

Cape Town Drought

[emile]

How many zombies can Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

[emile]

Everest.jpg (63.47 KiB) Viewed 13416 times

[emile]

After returning from a trip overseas, my luggage did not show up in the airport baggage area. Being a frequent flyer I knew the drill and went to the lost luggage office.

I told the woman there that my bags hadn't shown up on the carousel.

She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and that I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked, "has your plane arrived yet?"

[emile]

How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner?

[Justin]

Bowline snake

[Justin]

...